Quixotic Neurotic

Those are words. Look ’em up if you don’t believe me. And boy, do they work well together well.

This Monday morning finds me twixt classes in the midst of prioritizing homework for the week. Need a way to procrastinate via distraction? Why not blog! Kidding aside, mood is good. I’m feeling a lot better about myself and my place in the universe. Never mind those perfectionistic naggings that tell me I could exercise more, meditate more diligently, or get after schooling more aggressively. Those fuckers are still there. They always will be. For the time being, fuck ’em. I’d like to enjoy my happiness while it’s here.

Schooling is better. I’ve become more adjusted. Methods, time management, and expectations, while still being honed, are vastly superior than the prior weeks. I expect they’ll only improve until school is out. “Out” being when I’m through and reentering the workforce. Give or take about two year’s time, providing I stick to it, which I will. Lets face it, I’m not getting any younger, and, though I’m learning, I scoff at the thought of getting any smarter.

Sometime the other week, I stumbled across an article about how plants help patients heal faster. My mind: get plants! And that’s my latest ADHD adventure. Vastly less of a commitment than a girlfriend or, going down the tier list, a friend, an acquaintance, or a pet. Plants rank just a tier or two higher than pet rock, and that’s about the level this commitment-phobe is ready for right now. That said, I can’t tell if it’s the novelty or something deeper, but I love them. I want more.

Heh, I won’t allow myself to get more just yet, you know, gotta vet those impulses. Time being, though, I’ve been enjoying them. As far as distractions go, staring at a plant ain’t half bad. Often between tasks do I look at them and wonder if I gave them too much water, left them in direct sun for a minute or two too long, how am I going to pot and place them. I’ll even keep one by to absentmindedly pet the leaves while reading or doing homework. I’m enjoying myself. This shit’s pretty cool.

‘Nother Mornin’

Oh, I know I’m late again. Lemme tell you why and let’s see if it’s excusable. So big math test yesterday worth a hefty chunk of my overall grade hs been a looming figure. Add to it homework, homework I expect to take just a couple of hours instead eating eight. My week has been a little bucket of stress. Yesterday, took the test, did fine, but when I came to sit, all I wanted to do was decompress. And that’s what I did, sat and unfurled.

Which brings us round to today. I’m feeling better and with all the week’s heavy chores done. The next couple of days will be light lifting. The biggest challenge being time management, don’t underestimate responsibilities while overestimating time to jack around. I’ll say something more about that Monday-ish.

So dockets and things, whats on them? More homework. No surprises. Grandma needs some help with things. She’s been harassed by some aggressive spam calls lately, gonna change phone numbers and see if that helps. The biggest benefit of doing so is, not so much the peace that comes with the change, but her having to call everyone in her phone book to update them about the number. Betcha, while she’s at it, she’ll catch up with these people, too. I worry sometimes about her morale and things like reconnecting with old buddies and gossiping seems to brighten her up for weeks at a time. So, grandma gets peace and an excuse to keep her social and happy? Sure, I’ll contribute to that.

Next up, my own social bits. For the most part, I enjoy the social interactions of schooling. You know, excepting having a group foisted upon me. I still haven’t found a peace with mention group, by the by. Upon reflection, my old man perspective versus their kiddo ages probably attributes to the overall chasm. They all see it as innocent sin. Me, being a million years old, strung out from the healthcare environment, and having PTSD from working alongside groups where the economy of effort is so jank I could puke. I get the sense I’m overreacting some. I’ll try to lighten up, maybe. Practice humility.

Anywho, social stuff. I just wanted to make a quick note about the instructor I found who’s about my age and coming from the opposite direction. He’s been secure working in an industry for decades. He’s well payed. Stability and money aren’t his problems; it’s loneliness. His whole shtick behind being a professor is not to teach but to work on social skills and to be more exposed to people. And I think that’s awesome for him.

Me, comparing myself as I do, because, you know, narcissism. I’ve just about had it with small talk, customer care, and the people who will waste your time for oh so many reasons. I’m moving away from the small talk needed to, you know, keep the peace ‘tween customers and coworkers. Its necessary to have clever conflict management when y’all gotta see each other everyday or just to get through the day. But, I feel like I’ve had enough of it. I’d like a little more stability and money in my life and I’m willing to trade a couple of points in customer care to get it.

Blathering aside, I just thought that dichotomy was an interesting one. Seems like we all got our opposites, and we all revolve around finding a balance in out lives.

Working in Groups

I hate working in groups. In school that’s what we are practicing now. I get that its a nice life skill to have. To get by in the world, you know, learning to labor with others, everyone moving towards the same goal. But god damned, herding the group, being sensitive to everyones’ feelings and failings. Being calibrated on when to call bullshit vs letting things slide to keep the peace. Maintaining group focus. When to give, when to receive. Its work!

My particular skills are calibrated towards me and mine. Yeah, selfish, you bet. Society and leaches have hammered into me enough that if I’m too nice, don’t set appropriate boundaries, that each and every filthy parasite will bleed me dry and kick my husk to the curb. You know, so that I no longer get in the way. And despite knowing all this, my instincts compel me to be too kind. And there is some self hate over it. As you can probably tell, the whole topic touches a nerve.

Working in the healthcare field for the past decade, feels like I’ve I’ve been exposed to all sorts of slop asks. From coworkers and customers, every side of the motivation spectrum from selfish to selfless. In such an environment, one develops a quick sense of which people are gonna be good to you and which, given the chance, will rob you, stab you. In kind, you measure your efforts to these people. “This one is good, I’ll be good to him/her.” “This one will fuck me over soon as they have a chance, better keep a distance.”

Me, I find my resources invested into defenses. Studious and passive. Intuiting and measuring the economy of effort, then adjusting my own contributions accordingly. Can’t work too hard or they’ll expect a free ride. Can’t be too kind or they ask too much. Own too much, and all demand a handout. And the other way. Can’t be too lazy, shitty, or greedy lest retribution. In essence, find the medium. That acceptable amount of effort others and you are willing to put in, and allocate any extra resources into finding a peace, retain some sanity. Its not a sprint, its a long jog.

This all said. I do have a healthy respect for others on the opposite side of the spectrum. Whereas I am here with my introversion and my solitary preferences. There are extroverts who thrive in the social space. Those who are able to communicate with others in such a way that the group acts as a whole. Those are some good leaders and managers. I admire them.

I truly do wonder if I would benefit to emulate those. Just like I pay a price for my solitary tendencies, such people must go through some shit to develop the talents of leadership.

Ah well, enough musing. Time to go.

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