Coming off of a fine meditation session.
I spent all day yesterday in a sunken funk. That I had to be at work didn’t help. Knowing feelings are contagious and walking about with a mood akin to the flu, worse. Being told I dwell and that the dwelling is what’s hindering me, even worse. That person being right, the worst.
So we come into today. First day of a short weekend. Slept good, slept in. Pizza and cookies for breakfast. Extra coffee. Get started on some cleaning. Get to meditate longer and at my leisure. Write this thing. A damned fine morning.
The mood of yesterday, you know, the lingering one of burnout from the past month, oh it’s still there. I’m still traumatized by regularly. And fuck all, if I’m not handling those feelings responsibly. And it’s all frustrations over the routine, sinking feelings about not making progress.
I’ve had the impulses of stomping out from work or the relationships, or whatever responsibilities, and, in my resplendent youth, indulged myself with storming out. I’m older and wiser now. Those indulgences are, well, those aren’t the path to my salvation.
We’re playing a longer game here. One where I have a family to feed. You know, figuratively. Little Susie in the form of house payments and beloved Samantha in the form of art habits need to be nurtured and fed and raised. When one puts that perspective on things, the barbs endured feel worthwhile. Almost noble.
On life, you are so pendulous.
Oooo burnout is here. Mmm, and it still burns. Fighting it off has been a strain. Today is a “rest day” which means no exercise and minimal eats. Between that and a healthy sleep last night, mood and sharpness are up. So, in a desire to fend of burnout and make some changes for the positive, I’m allocating resources to making a plan.
First step, where is the burnout felt? It’s the whole routine. I hate my low status and pay at work. Hate, my reliance on the “system”, a system that has never given me my worth. On top of which, my weekends are no longer rejuvenating. No enough so to make the hassle of the work week worthwhile. So for the past few months, feeling goddamned drained.
So, how can we allocate efforts so that needs are met and we accrue a net positive? Good question. It’s a real thinker.
Been through this cycle lots before. Tried to out think it plenty of times before. So what can be done differently? Again, thinker.
We’re I to venture a guess, you know, as though you were holding a knife to my throat; that guess would be my perspective is off. It’s too focused on short term gains/losses. Which is fine given the situation is short term. But the changes in looking to make sure longer term, longer lasting.
So, what? What have we got so far?Lessons 1) Stop trying to do it all myself. 2) Endure shorter term strains for longer term gains. 3) Utilize the people around me better.
Lessons three will be the toughest. I’m not known for my communication skills, at least, not outside of artistic practices. God dammit if I’m not gonna try, though.
When I sit myself down to some quiet, thoughtful painting, which I’m apt to do, such practices leaves a feller open to existential thoughts. These can be wonderful and delightful insights and, at other times, pretty dreadful. In these wrestling matches of what is and isn’t worthwhile, those are the times I invent new skills or interests to pursue to distract myself. You know, from further existential moments. And it’s in those times I gotta tell myself, “No. No more projects, there’s enough on your plate as is.”
I started scripts on books four and five. I’ve nibbled at the pictures and poems in book six! I can’t say I’ve been overly focused on a single project. I’m a man who chases his interests, and my interests change with the wind. Boy howdy, it is a struggle. And when you measure all the wasted time in the past or the present and see the collateral damage. Whooooo-weeeee. Like a tornado blew through.
So let’s try to orient myself among my messes and give y’all estimates when things will come to be. Brace yourself for tedium.
Been finishing the peoms on book three. They’re 80%-90% done. Of twenty-five, maybe four or five need more loving. Which I’ll take a crack at today.
The big paintings are there. Of 13, 6 compositions are good, 3 drawings are in the works.
Book four has the script done. I’m planning on it being 6″ x 9″ in size. That might change as the images and storyboard develop. Its aimed at younger kids ages 3-8. Real simple, clean, and charming. Been working on character designs. Storyboard soon.
Book five’s script is in development. Also 6″ x 9″ and aimed at a younger audience. Ages 3-8 again. This one has more to do with letters, numbers, and grouping. Been working on character designs. Storyboards soon enough.
Books four and five are intended to be light-hearted jaunts, whereas six is more serious in writing and images. Slow as it seems, they’re all coming along. Surely, a weird sight to see.
Soon enough, I’ll finish the projects, float them out into the world, and hope for the best. While avert my tendency to obsess, I will ignore them book in favor of new projects. I get the feeling that’s the way of things. Or not. Shit, it’s gonna change as I go like wind shifts.