Mmkay Sunday

Ran some 60 flights of stairs. My legs are still a-tremblin’.

What do I have to report? What have I on the agenda? What’s new?

. . . Nothing

. . . Fuck.

I’m drawing again. On shaky legs (PUN!), which means I’m not where I want to be. Which means there’s room for improvement. There will always be room for improvement. You know, neuroticism. Art/artist. At least I’m doing it, this is where I want to be and I’m here. Even though it violates my self imposed shame, I’m sharing. Sharing means caring.

Writing, so far this is it. I’m OK with this blogging business. Gives me freedom of expression, practice with sentence structure, and vocabulary building. Feels like I’ve got a competent hand and a comfortable style. Were I to up my writing game in anyway, write more often? I dunno, maybe more variation to keep myself challenged and the style fresh.

Life is mellow. You’ll catch me, you know, taking it easy where I can. By nature, I isolate a whole lot. Which is fine in measured doses but, like anything, too much can be unhealthy. It’d be ideal for me to explore and participate in more social outlets but, yes there’s a “but”, my comfort zone is oh so comfy. Heh, I’ll, I don’t know, life will do what life does and force me out eventually.

Referencing introversion, the introverted nature of my crafts v the necessity for celebrity. Art and writing aren’t enough. There is the aspect where one must advertise and another where one shmoozes with the crowds. In both departments, you’ll find me cowering in the corner. “What if they dislike or reject me?” my insecurities insist. Well, I guess this is where we practice bravery.

I laugh nervously. I know I’ll have to do it eventually, but, yes there’s another “but”, can I just craft in peace and enjoy the quiet just a little longer? . . . Just a little longer.

Ready Freddy?

I’m dithering.

Since Christmas I’ve been wanting to rev up this old hobby and just be me. And just recently, I finally caved and did just that. Revved up all this business. But guess who’s a ‘fraidy cat? ME. Twenty some-odd years of failing at this . . . whatever you wanna call it (Higher purpose, maybe?). And I’m guessing, sensing, this here is the only place I’m gonna find my salvation. The one place where I can point people to and say, “See? Look what I can do!”

Lofty worrying brushed aside to focus onto reality. I had a very nice dinner with a close friend. And walked away from it feeling nourished in body and soul. She told me about her miseries, yes. And I shared mine. But I think we were happiest in sharing. Its not often we get company to divulge all our insecurities to. It sure is nice to have that certain someone to share moments with and to be rejuvenated with the residual validation.

She’s off to chase career opportunities and train for a marathon. In comparison I got . . . Well, I ripped the sink out of a bathroom. I’ve just finished demoing and reinstalling plumbing in the kitchen and bathroom. I’ve left the low-level gig I’ve been at for almost a decade now. I’ve started all this arts and crafts stuff. Again. My shit feels pretty lowly.

Even so, I earnestly feel like things look bright for the both of us. We’re both uncertain about the uncertain, but we’re exploring better opportunities. The worst that can happen is we backslide into where we are now. Nothing ventured, nothing gained; here we are venturing and gaining. We’re doing well for ourselves.

Hike Writing

It’s a beautiful day. Sun shining. Not too hot, not too cold. Gentle breeze. Soes, I talk myself into a nice rejuvenating hike. Half hour in, “Why not write while I hike?” Thus here I am, writing while I hike… Tripping every dozen meters or so.

What to write about today?

A conversation with a good friend. The topic: what skill sets would you sacrifice or trade to enhance yourself. A roundabout way of asking, how would you change your life to improve it?

I suppose we all do this. Sometimes short term, sometimes long. Sometimes to up end the whole goddammned thing.  Me, I’m cleaning house and rearranging bullshit. Seems apropos that as I evaluate the meaning and worth of material possessions, might as well do the same with spiritual.

The parameters for both, material and spiritual, are only the basics to get me to and thought the next 20 years. Looking for a streamlined me. At my age of… Mrm, 40 billion years old, I get the sense this’ll be my last hurrah. So with deliberate consideration and careful contemplation, I’ll take my sweet ass time. Best to do it right.

So what’s on the list so far? Health, mental and physical. Exercise, eating right, meditation, essentially the fundamentals of self care. Next, endeavors that mean something, namely art and writing. Those also fall under self care but with the added contexts of “legacy”, “societal contribution”, and work that I believe in. That’s mine and meaningful. Career something, something. You know a job outside of myself. To keep me in touch and with an income. A part time throw away would do fine, but its be more responsible of me to aim a little higher. Still building that adventure. More soon. So this paragraph outlines what I got going. Solid basics all together. Well on my way.

Room for improvement: social life. I guess this falls under the self care umbrella, too. This has always been a weakness, but I believe and respect the nurturing of a good social network. Being a habitual almost fanatical introvert, this will be a toughy. Even so, I’ll keep the faith.

Career and social aspects seem to be the biggest changes. I’m nibbling on those aspects while I regrow a few other habits. I’m of a strong mind that alongside a career, endeavor all my own to get me through in a good way. The “endeavor” would be to continue my off-and-on-again relationship with book making. Shrug, its all I know. I’m not bad at it. Its always the networking and promotion part that kills me. Might as well make the best of the efforts already invested.

Rounding back to the larger topic, how to prep for this final life’s journey, like a long-camping trip or mountain climb, travel light. Take only what you need.

%d bloggers like this: