300 of these posts on introspection and world reflection. I started doing these when I was emerging from the darkest period of my life. I was a year unemployed after a history of garbage jobs. Romantically, I sabotaged a great love, only to overcompensate by giving up my dignity to a horrible person. Art was going nowhere and felt spiritually empty. Self worth and money exhausted, my unemployment was spent indoors doing nothing except slinking deeper and deeper into depression. Life got very dark.
At sometime, a gal found an interest in me. In our heart to hearts, she inspired and encouraged me to start doing something. That something was this: blogging. All in an effort to redefine myself and my direction. To pick myself up and dust my filthy butt off.
That was about three years ago. You know, as time draws on and one progresses, it’s really hard to appreciate changes, hell, it’s hard to notice them. But, as I sit with the intent to write about those changes, I realize there’s been a quite a few.
That gal I mentioned earlier, evolved into one of the most significant relationships of my life. I am sad to report that we are no longer together, mainly because of me. Not sad-soppy-poor-me, more like: I wasn’t ready. That declared, the entire relationship was a life lesson on intimacy I sorely needed and one I appreciate on a deep heartfelt level.
Previously, I worked odd jobs and hated each one with an impassioned loathing. “I am an artist” I’d declare with resentment. The subtext: I’m too good for this. I can’t decide if that counts as naivete or hubris. Both, I guess. Naivete in not knowing anything, hubris in assuming I did; both delusional. The disconnect led to a lot of angst.
I worked at the worst job in my life for two years recently as a CNA at an old folks’ home. God awful pay, back breaking work load, unrealistic expectations along with unappreciation; needless to say, terrible. It was in this environment I learned humility and, in a more significant way, how to grant myself approval when no one else would. Humility in taking what the world had to offer; in enduring the barbs, I learned self respect.
Which brings us to now. I’m in a job which pays and appreciates me. The unexpected benefit of surviving so long at the previous job was an inadvertent counting of blessings. When there are so many painful things a person can’t control or are controlled by, that person finds joys and beauties in unlikely places.
Management wouldn’t appreciate the extra efforts, patients would. Backstabbing Coworkers would highlight the value of trusted ones. Tiny pay demonstrates to one the importance of money, or the unimportance. Down in the trenches, a person can recognize where the system fails and, despite such crushing obstacles, respect for those who labor valiantly, defiantly virtuous. Finding then appreciating blessings is a skill and such a beautiful, meaningful skill. One I have yet to master yet, in practice, has given so much.
I am happy. Really, I am. My job, income, romantic interests, hobbies, ambitions, all are modest and I’m OK with that. The future is uncertain. Be that as it may, I feel confident that whatever is tossed my way, will be handled responsibly. My life, until very recently, has been a scrambling search for peace of mind. Now that it’s here, I feel very gracious about the world and my place in it.
In a word: I’m good.
If you’ve read all this or any of the posts, I send you as much hugs and love as I can over the virtuality that is the internet. The audience for this blog is tiny and the entire blogging practice is, for the most part, self interested. Even so, thank you very much to whatever time or attention you’ve lent. Much hugs and love.