So with work and me being around people at work, I find social anxieties ebbing in. I start kicking myself over perceived perceptions or misconceptions. Often times I’m wrong. I need to relax. Screw “need to” let’s change that to “It would best serve me to.” Needless to say, I get anxieties. I am learning or relearning to better control that aspect of my personality. I suspect it is an ongoing process. After all, work places get gossipy; being around people, conflict happens.
I can do this.
I’m just in the adjustment period. And adjusting is what I’m doing. It’s gonna be OK. Just fine.
Looking forward; the road is a long one. I have 10k of dept to pay off working at a nigh minimum wage job. That’s going to take some time and discipline. After that, school for five years. I could see myself paying as I go for the first couple of years as I do community college. Once I transgress to university, though, it gets a lot more expensive. “Why not supplement it with loans?” one might ask. Well, I’ve had 4-6k of gubment loans hanging over my head since 1999. I’m not sure how that will work out. We’ll see once I get those taken care of. After that, I dunno. I’ll be in my new career and probably trying to find a woman or make a family or something. That there is enough future to look at. Six years. Yeah, that’ll keep me busy.
Living here with grandma’s help will certainly help all of this. She’s going to give me a reduced rent and a supplemented transportation. She’s helped me out a lot. More than a lot, a ton. More than I deserve. I’ve found myself more times than not feeling overindulged. At time, I act out. Like a spoiled child chastising their parent over a trivial matter. That there is a whole new discipline to keep in mind. Striving to keep in touch and not allowing myself lose perspective. I will be diligent about taking my humble pills.
Same thing goes with this job and staying the course. It is fine and great for me to be confident, but I cannot be proud. Often times throughout my past, I can recall pride leading me astray into shameful places. My work history in the past ten years has eight jobs. A hodgepodge of skill sets. In a way, I was a struggling artist and that’s what comes with that vocation. In another way, it demonstrates an instability.
Well done, Steve. You see both sides of the coin on these. Please make sure not to harm or punish yourself when reviewing the negative side on these issues. Maybe relax a little, too. You’re doing great. You’ve got a good compass. You’re in a better environment now. You’ve a direction. And you have more than enough smarts to pull it all off. You’re doing very well and you’re going to be fine.