I swear to god I had a half inch stack of drawings laying around somewhere. A couple of hours after I started looking for my watercolors it all came back to me. I threw them all out in a fit of nihilistic rage. Lotsa stuff. Along with a good number of paintings and a couple of sketchbooks . . . I regret that all now.

So this really is a fresh start. One where I want to focus on work ethic and honesty. In the past it would be real easy to get frustrated over the pitfalls. For years and years I labored under the notion that success didn’t come because I wasn’t good enough. And god damned as I failed and failed again, I crushed myself into a fine powder beneath the false expectations.

I’d wager my entire being on trying to make my big break. And when that wager would fail. I had to restart at zero. Money, time, confidence, expectations, self worth, everything would be reset to the bare minimum. Sometimes less. And I’d have to neglect art because I was just too busy trying to survive. Or to salvage my humanity. On particularly bad occasions, reason to continue.

I’d like to change that routine.

I have a job. I have food, a home, and a few material items I could do without. I guess what I’m trying to say, Is I finally have the fundamentals covered. Now it’s higher things to look towards. Like this here, I’m gonna focus on this for a little bit. If there’s an “out” from the rat race, it’s isn’t going to be from winning the lottery or dodging poverty traps. At this point, I’m pretty sure the only way out is hard work and focus. Of things to focus on, this seems the most worthwhile.