Bill Due

Yeah, no post Friday. Among other items neglected, homework for a few classes, house chores, life chores, and perhaps an outstanding payment somewhere. After that tough midterm, I decided to give myself a good weekend. As carefree as could be. And carefree it was. And here we are now, back to today,. Back to the grind. Monday, Let’s review the bill. It’s more expensive than anticipated. OK, I can roll with that just fine. I know it’s on me. I know these indulgences don’t come without cost. Just gonna take a moment to breathe before going over itemization.

A few of the costs, I thought I was just willfully neglecting two assignments. Turns out it was five. Insert guilty, nervous, laughter. Oops. My grades being what they are, I can afford it. At least I think so. There’s still some grades up in the air and I’d hate to be on the wrong side of those when the dust settles. Honest to god, when I set things down and “let go”, I do just that. No check in’s or other bullshit, just let myself live in the moment. And fuck all, it was nice, needed, and worth it. No regrets. Turns out, you can’t live fully in the moment whilst keeping a stray eye on responsibilities. Good to know.

So this morning has me looking at the mess I abandoned with fresh eyes. And boy’o, that shit’s as ugly as my pockmarked butt. When not averting my eyes, I glance over and wonder where to begin, you know, before the cringe becomes too much and I have to distract myself with blog posts. There’s a lot there to unpack and digest. And it’s just gonna have to be good old fashioned patience, diligence, and time to clean it all up. OK, I’ll roll up my sleeves and get to it. I dread it yet I’m not scared.

For the foreseeable future, there’s a lot of things to get tidied up. I know, I’m being redundant. Good news is situations like this are pretty illuminating. I get to have a newfound appreciation of my coping strats and why I do as I do. Turns out, self preservation and self care are worthy considerations. I’m a lot less resentful of my indulgences now. They’re a necessary diffusion of stress and preservation of sanity. Cool! Hopeful! Just, let’s keep it measured. Balance and all that jazz.

Another boon to appreciate is looking at my mess with fresh eyes. I see opportunities or blessings I didn’t see before. For instance, my math class. I unknowingly signed up for the fast track class. The fuck!? Here I am keeping up with that class, it being the highest grade among classes, and it’s over in a little more than a week. OK, sucks about stressing over that unexpected final, but with that class done, think of all the time I’ll have to dedicate to finishing remaining classes strong. That’s awesome!

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