It’s 105 F out, I’m sleep deprived, and I’m late on a blog post. How’re y’all doing?
You know, my mind is buzzin’ with ideas when I’m not in front of the computer. Soon as I sit, I’m as blank as a failed metaphor.
So two things that have been rolling around my mind the past few days. One, I woke up in the middle of the night and for some reason my addled mind strayed from the normal inadequacies and self restraints to none. No failings, need-to-do’s, remorse, or the like. For a brief, half awake moment, I stood in awe of who I was. All that I was able to accomplish. I tallied all the skills I had learned over the years. And further, the greater lessons from those skills. Then I extracted the larger life achievements I’ve earned or persevered through. How I was doing so well and shouldn’t feel that shame I impose on myself. I was good enough and I should accept myself as such.
And like that, poof, the catharsis disappeared. Some sadness, some hope, some longing, and some confusion; I dunno, the experience shook me.
Next up, certainties. I don’t think people realize the rules they impose on themselves. I also doubt they understand how those rules act as anchors for our identities. You know we make those rules as we go along in life soon as we can think for ourselves. Maybe even before then. Rules like, I want to be a good boy/girl. I want to be rich, I want to be loved, I don’t want to hurt anyone. And for each of those, you effectively declare that, as a person, your identity is such that you prefer this one option over its opposite. Further, with or without knowledge of it happening, you build your entire life on top of this one personal truth.
I’ve got a few personal truths I stare at and wonder, “Do I leave well enough alone, or do I challenge that at the risk of unraveling my person?”
I am really really good at being autonomous and self reliant. My whole life is based around it. Still, there is a part of me that wonders about looking for love. I’ve had my moments and my romances, each with a wonderful high. They are how I subsist. Yet, there a part of me (the bored part, I’m sure) that would like to forge something deeper with a nice gal.
That said, I am nigh positive it is my ADHD mind just wanting another adventure. Romanticizing the benefits without acknowledging the costs. I know plenty of people my age who regret the marriage, marriages, or the time they committed to the investment.
Anywho, gotta run and go do homework. Forgive my abruptness.