Day 4: More
This morning felt like a cop out. That and I’m feeling like splooging some more in this direction. Watch your eyes.
Today brings me, not lamenting, more contemplating my whole addiction thing. I have potential, I do. I’m super smart, pretty good looking, and rather charming. I have lots going on for me. I squander much of it. At least, I feel as though I do. Most my life, my time and efforts are vested into this one thing. The computer. I honestly do not think I am capable of modulating myself emotionally without it. Without it I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. The whole motivational system in my brain goes into crisis mode and all systems are allocated towards getting the computer back.
Where there’s a will; there’s a way, right? I believe that saying fervently. I have an over abundance of will, I think every addict does. Only problem is that will is misdirected. Broken.
No, I’m not at all tragically unique. There are millions out there like me. I pity each of them as much as I pity myself. Feels weird to put that out there, terribly selfish. I’ll keep it there.
Reflecting upon my life and my accomplishments or lack thereof, I am faced time and time again, something is wrong. I concede that the “wrong” here could be my whole approach to this thing called life. It could be. I doubt it seriously, though. I doubt it because I’ve tried it tons of different ways, different times, different desperations. The same result just keeps coming back. Me in front of the computer.
I’ve given up. The fight in me ain’t what it used to be. The weight and accumulation of my perspective failures has taken my legs out from me. Broken? A heavy sigh and a nod with downcast eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I’m broken.
Currently my theory is: it’s all bigger than me. Outside my realm of control. I can’t help it. It’s not my fault. Convenient, maybe. But that’ my conclusion thus far. You’ll find among all addicts, or people trying to repress their nature a common theme. Repress. Repress in a healthy way. A monk like existence. Pray, meditate, find the peace. No resentments, acknowledge what you can’t change. Practice acceptance.
I’m striving for all that. I earnestly am. Sometimes I’m more successful than others. Still, I try.