Existential Barfing

I recall reading an article somewhere that says it take 21 days to form a habit. I think I’m past that 21 days by a couple and it feels good. I like my morning routine of coming on here with coffee in hand and writing a little diary reciting my whereabouts in life. It sure does put a perspective on things and keeps me in line as to what needs doing. I feel saner and more responsible for it.

Forgive me for tossing in here a few doubts but I’m gonna get them off my chest just to do it. Thank you in advance for indulging me. Primarily I worry about the narcissistic tendencies. All about me. I do have other characters in this play called life. I don’t think I ever mention them here. Maybe later with their permission, of course. Overall I maintain a small amount of people in my life. I have reclusive tendencies. That limits the amount of friends or enemies I can have at any given time. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. We work great together. It’s just that I am an aficionado of alone time. For the longest time now, I’ve been designed to  spend extended amounts of time alone in the art studio researching or creating. I’ve grown a deep appreciation and affection for that time.

Where the rub is: How is that not selfish? I take and I don’t give back.

I’m still trying to cobble a reasoning together that allows my self esteem to stay intact. It goes a little something like: I spend all my time looking inward and what reflects out is the art. I go through the pangs and pains of solitude so you don’t have to. What I write, paint, and share with the world are my attempts to contribute. These silly little drawings of mine and a few choice words are my best weapons for connecting with others, for enhancing their lives. Even if it’s just a little bit. Sure, I look for a buck or two to take care of my basic survival needs. That’s only to improve what I deliver, though. Less distractions allow me to improve what I do . . .

Alright, that’s enough existential barfing. Let’s fix breakfast and get to painting.

 

3 Comments on “Existential Barfing

  1. Awe…I envy your ability to be so self reflective. Amber is good at that too. I love being alone but just getting the hang of actually being able to look inward. Sometimes it hurts too much so it is easier to ignore it. However, I am learning to appreciate pain, because it means I can still feel.

    • It is good to do every now and again, you know, just to gain perspective. Too much can be toxic and make you wacky. Kinda like eating too much food will make you fat.

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