I’m asked a lot a lot about what’s next. What are you gonna do? What are your future plans? Aren’t you gonna do better? You deserve better! Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be rich? And so forth.
I already hustle my butt hard keeping the status quo, low as it is. I have no debts. Reluctant as fuck to take on any. I’m neurotic about not imposing on others. Asking for help goes against my grain, needing help even more so. And yet, I’m very malleable when being imposed upon. I readily help and sometime impose help. As frustrated as I get with myself and those goddamned dichotomies, I still manage. Somewhat nobly, I might add.
Yeah, I’m lowly when it comes to status or finances. There was a time when I was gunning for art icon status. More famous than Amos, and richer than cheesecake. But, then I learned about the “costs”. Devolving into a single minded narcissistic workaholic was too much. So I made some compromises, an today I’m an insistent loner with healthy work ethic.
I compromised on that vision. I stayed with the theme, “I’ll do it all by myself.” And, to my credit, I am doing it solo. I don’t think people realize how limiting “solo” is. I certainly didn’t when I started this journey. The humongous achievements are usually done by groups of people with a singular asshole who assumes all the credit. Don’t get me wrong, I can do amazing things, my freedom and independence are off the charts. Even so, both are finite. On top of which, independence and life balance come with costs. All this topic-framing in place, my output, as clean as it is, is modest in size.
And I don’t think people understand. Misconceptions make it hard to give credit where credit is due.
For instance, the fight to sate loneliness and boredom while remaining sane can take enormous resources. Finding alternatives, not drugs, booze, or niche perv activities, but healthy alternatives, to slake those basic human needs is a lot of time consuming trial-an-error. Then, budgeting time and resources to cope and remain functional. Again, remain sane. If balance is not managed and maintained, those coping tactics can go from healthful to gluttonous real fast.
So what do I do with myself? Fuck if I really know. Here’s my best guess. Stay the course. Be patient with myself, be patient with others. I’m gonna do art. I’m gonna finish out my years as an artist. I never knew denying myself of art would also take away my sense of identity and purpose. Without those, things sure feels hollow inside.
Is 40 . . . mrm billion years old still too old to keep trying? In my weaker moments, yes but really it’s not. No matter what age, you gotta try. I see lotsa folks, myself included, give up. Sometimes temporarily other times permanently. Whenever, it ain’t pretty. In giving up, some just need the rest, others need to cut bait, and still others learn different methodologies. All that said, you can’t exist as given up. Still, gotta try. The defeated are a scary lot. We see them everyday lost in their addictions, perversions and misguided thinking. If you ever see the ones that do give up, you channel the pity and revulsion you feel for them into motivation to keep trying yourself.