There are times when I sink into myself and bad habits. Too many to list but at the root of them them is a base negativity. Maybe even legit depression. Is it legit depression expressing bad habits or bad habits leading to a stint of depression? Fuck if I’ll ever know. Among the creative circles there’s even the theory that depression is the price of creativity. You can’t have one without the other.
I start with this topic to emphasize the moments of clarity after a funk. The moments where you wonder, “What was I thinking?” Followed soon after by, “how do I prevent this from happening again?”
When the doubts ebb in. Is it worth it? Does it matter? Look at the the competition. Are you good enough? Will you be one iota happier when this is all done? You know, the normal batching we do to ourselves when confronting adversity.
And then the doubts flow out. Yes, totally worth it. It matters to me and the people who get excited when I share. Yep, the competition is thick but look at all that chaff. Actually, I’m plenty good enough. You know, the normal thoughts when feeling hopeful.
It’s polarizing as fuck and confusing as all hell.
The good news is, I’m on the uptick. I’m back into healthy habits and my thinking is positive. Mood wise, the iron is plenty hot. A euphemism usually reserved for opportunities presented outside the self. In this instance, the opportunity resides within. I’ll strike that iron a few times whiles it’s here.
To those with the discipline, I have envy and respect for yall.