Here and Now

There is a big rift between the man I want to be versuss the man I am. Girlfriend and I talked late into the night about introspection. We, she and I as a couple, aren’t totally in sync. The sync that we have is compelling enough to keep us together. Back on point, I can’t help but think about the person I am. Where did I lose my way? Maybe it’s the case where the universe has a bigger plan for me. Maybe it’s the case where I’m so insignificant, it doesn’t matter either way. Lots of speculation in there. Which usually can be boiled down to over thinking. I do that. Over think. Indulge me.

I’m old enough and wise enough to recognize that I am limited. I recognize my limits. There are things bigger than me. I respect that. I seem to be negotiating the line between “How big?’ and “What actually can be accomplished.” I spend an awful lot of time fighting my self. Boredom and loneliness are my biggest nemesis. You see, I am antisocial. I’ve always been that way. It’s good in a way. The good part is that I am self sufficient. Far more than the average bear. There’s also a great amount of freedom in it all. I appreciate things most others take for granted. I suspect on a deeper level. The bad side: there are components in in the human psyche that demand socialization. If you do not tend to them, they will own you. I am owned, in this fashion. A lot of my time is dedicated to either placating or repressing those needs in order to function. Or semi-function as the case may be. My addiction, is made to address and maintained to address the loneliness and boredom I feel. Through years of conditioning, whenever either or both emotions is felt, no matter how slight, I run here (here being my addiction) to placate myself. If you were a shrink, you would label me dysfunctional. I am.  Who isn’t?

Time for another paragraph.

It’s obvious to those on the outside looking in that, “I need to get out more.” I hear it often. Often enough to know there is truth there. Unfortunately for me, I resist the change. Even if that change is for the better. I do and am resisting it. Motivation waivers from intense to neglected. And I come here to whine or cope or change. I can’t tell which. Maybe it’s all. Don’t know; I just don’t know. I can tell you from experience though that once I get out there there will be an intense sense of euphoria and fascination. I will and do adore all people. Experience has also taught me that those feelings don’t last. I get bored and that boredom becomes resentments. It’s not too long before I fall back into old ways. the familiar antisocial I am oh so familiar with. It’s like eating. I binge and purge on the level of a bulimic. Eat all the foods, and when full, starve myself again. Dysfunction.

Lets turn this dour into something positive. Optimistic. Hopeful. Who is the man I can become; I want to become?

Start with some positives about me. I am a smart fucker. When counting blessings, that’s an easy go-to. I am surprisingly capable. Put in the time, the effort and I rock that shit. I know how to learn. The more time you put into something, anything: the more you get out of it. I have a creative talent. Showcased in my art, prolly here too in my writings, in my media consumption. And, like mentioned earlier, a self reliance. I’m not so dependent upon others for my needs. I try to keep myself easy. I can be charming. Playful and fun.

So where do I want to go with all this? If it weren’t for my girlfriend, I’d go nowhere. she’s been a motivational factor in my life. A big one. I don’t think she notices the difference, but I do. My grandmother, too. I fight her and I growl at her, but I do stuff. That stuff is good for me. I have a great brother and sister who I don’t exactly attribute the  same amount of “gravity” to. However, they are both fantastic people and great tools. It would behoove me to make better use of them and improve my relations with them . . .

. . . My steam has waned. My brain is exhausted now. We’ll continue all this later.

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