A few days have passed and I’ve thought of a few nice topics to write about; all forgotten. It would be best if I noted or notated them. Seeing as how life and I are circular, I’ll come around to them eventually. Like a bus route picking up the locals.

I’m tired. Just finished day three of a five day week. My lower back feels fatigued. I need to be more careful about how I use it. We have, no pun intended, a ton of obese gals we’re taking care of. Lifting and rolling them around I can do. Repeatedly for eight hours, though; my limits reveal themselves. I think it would behoove me and benefit them to have them work harder and move more. I can’t be the easy button for them because it just becomes needlessly hard for me.

To illustrate this point or to blow of steam or both. One in particular is grossly obese. She asks often for snacks and coffee. She’s demanding. And I suspect, she being codependent, her radar picks up on my susceptibility to codependency.  She is a behemoth who asks the world to give to her and retains what she can of it. She’s had family that has fed those tendencies without really addressing them. Now she is a hulking mass of rotting flesh who has forgotten, and is unable, to give back. To let go.

I need to remember that metaphor. Because I can become her. I have some similar tendencies and suspect I have the same susceptibility. For the past year I’ve taken from Grandma with hardly giving back. I’ve sat, I’ve taken, I’ve sulked. I’m not proud of any of it. It didn’t stop me from doing it though, I just tried to be better at my escapism. Were it not for prodding from grandma and Laura, I fear I’d be in the same sad place singing the same sad song. Never to change the tune.

I enjoy work but I’m afraid I’ve been taking it a tad more seriously than I should. Last night I felt stressed and inadvertently showed it. A resident I take care if is real in tune with my mood. She and I work well together. She could tell I was strung out and called me on it. Recognizing this I’ll try to relax a bit. Keep busy and just do what I can. Remove the guilt from it. Find solace in the residents I care about.

I read an article yesterday illuminating how addicts have inherited anomalies in their brain structure. The anomalies are present even before the addiction takes hold if ever addiction does take hold. I knew it. More vindication for my modest piece of mind. All these years of fighting myself and savagely. I came to the conclusion a long time ago there was something more than force-of-will wrong with me. You can tell by the use of the word “wrong” in the last sentence that I’m still working to come to terms with it. I have me some self inflicted scars to work around. That said, the value of the vindication weighs on the old heart strings.

My decision to start over is reinforced. Forget trying to forge myself into something others expect, or what I perceive is expected. I can start fresh. I can recognize and accept my limits. I can work with them instead of against them. I can save myself a lot of pain and strain. Focus myself on healing. Go from surviving to thriving


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