I’m not sure how to describe where I’m at or how I’m feeling. “Empty” is the word that pops into my mind when I ask myself. Yet, “empty” fails to capture the dept. You know, things seemed easier when all I had to do was work, My only fight was against exhaustion. Now, I have all this free time; I’m not sure what to do with it. Well, let’s rephrase that. I know what I should be doing; I have plenty on the to-do list to nick off. The motivation is what’s lacking.

You know what motivation will eventually get me rolling? If precedent has anything to say about it, feelings of frustration or self-loathing. I’ll eventually tire and come to resent how I play my video games. How my hobby is empty calories. Like an insecure girl trying to diet, I will feel like a fat slob. My guilty pleasure: Laziness; my diet: Productivity. I will redeem myself, as I do, by denying instant gratification in exchange for something a little more lasting.

I am startled at how precisely I foresee myself in that description. How it all unfolds and, when I reflect on it, how that cycle has always unfolded. I cannot help but think there’s got to be a better way. One that’s less about self denial. Where, if I tweak my environment, there’s no denial, things just happen to come together. Then again, that might all be wishful thinking.

Here’s what we’re gonna do. In an effort towards a happy median, I’m going to promise myself and get started on rebuilding a little routine for myself. One where it’s habit to do art from 11 am to 1 pm, then off to work. I’ll do a little each day and wait for that little to accumulate into a lot . . . The routine, the over commitment to self discipline, will redeem me and damn me at the same time . . .

That was uncalled for. Forgive me for being dark. I recognize sarcasm and frustration are uncomfortable. It’s unclear what I’m saying and where my hostility is directed. Evidently I have some pains to work out. Bear with me.

In any case, I will start up on my little routine thing tomorrow, and the better feelings will come. Today’s just a rainy day.

2 Comments on “Lull

  1. I have been tired of my routine, more than once. I remember a rainy day where I was trapped inside, pent up and frustrated with everything…but couldn’t name a single thing. So I went to this near by park and walked..and hiked…in the rain. Steady cold rain! By myself. I remember thinking how I was cold, and myself…and it was just so gray at first…and there wasn’t even strangers there to interact with because I was by myself out in the rain! It felt good though…to be moving! To get my heart going and feel myself breathing. The colors of an early spring in the rain… became more vibrant, I can’t describe, and there was movement around me…quiet bustling life beneath the leaves and up in the trees. I remember thinking about the hundreds of tiny eyeballs looking at me…hiding from me. The day started with me being very insignificant and small but eventually I felt my purpose for the day. It may seem trivial, but for me, it helps to change my scenery a bit, and remove the burden of defining myself and just go “BE”. I love to go by myself to try a new coffee shop, or a cafe…just so that I can experience something new.

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