This is a thoughtful morning. I’m crunching away math problems when I’m no there writing a blog. Noshing on a cabbage-bean-almond-chocolate, smoothie. I’m all responsibility this morning. This is coming off of a day of, I guess one would call it rest, I guiltily think of it as self indulgence. I get It. I need the rest. Cool. What bothers me is how much time I take to rest when I do. Seems like a lot and seems as though that rest time outweighs the efforts I put forth. A personal goal I’ve had for the longest time is to even out that equilibrium. All towards the mantra of maintaining balance. Goddamed perfectionism hijacking the entire concept leading me to torture myself over nothing.
Alright, my blathering dithering self torture aside. And before you roll your eyes and sigh, “Is this gonna be another Steve beats himself up post?” Firstly, yes, it’s my defining feature. Secondly, and hear me out, this is the ritual I go through as I evaluate my place in the world and the trajectory I’d like to take. Granted it could go with less OCD-esque repetition and save us all some time but, and this is a sloppy “butt”, my boring inert ass is thus wise for a reason. The thinking goes, if I can be centered, whatever chaos the world throws at me, I can roll with aplomb.
I’m impulsive enough as is. I, like all of us, have some crazy in me. Some people embrace their crazy or wear it well, me, neither. If I listened to my instincts, I’d probably be dead via heroine overdose a decade or two back. From an early age, I’d watch the mistakes family members would make. I would then imagine myself in their shoes as they would make those choices. Further, I would measure my future choices thusly. Ultimate logic: if I avoid the mistakes they do, I’m bound to be successful as fuck.
Yeah, the world has taught me the flaw in my logic. All I’ve become is avoidant of risk and conflict. Almost adverse to growth. Almost. I’m here. I’m grinding away at the fundamentals of being a good moral healthy person. I discipline myself into exercise, eating well, meditating, you know, taking care of myself. That way, others don’t have to. I work hard not to be a burden or be burdened. Sure, sometimes I get it wrong, but my path feels virtuous. And, when I drop my guard and appraise those virtues, looks dignified.