Got back my grade for the test. 0/100. Swell. There might be hope yet to regain a couple of points, strangely the computer says I haven’t turned it in. Strained and as stupid as my answers were, I assure you, I turned in something. So, who knows, maybe god will intervene and, from this closed door, open a window of opportunity to . . . something. Somewhere. Somehow . . . Please?
I’m surprised how emotionally even I am from the setback. Given my normal neuroticism and stress. I don’t know. I can tell you that yesterday while I was working on a hefty homework assignment for another class, my computer spazzed out. When that happened all work was lost. Sigh, I’ve started from zero plenty of times before, might as well do it once more. So, staying up late into the night, I turned in an incomplete “C” assignment. Better than a zero. In that situation, felt plenty annoyed and even overwhelmed, but I didn’t fall apart. I practiced deep breathing, weighed my options, and opted for the best path given time restraints, late grade penalties, and just plain ignorance. I did my best. Now I’m moving on.
As to the class I opened with, I’m a little confused on that one. I’m taking five classes so far and, while it has been a fucking strain, I am pulling in A’s. Well, ‘cept for this one. No worries, those’ll go down as the semester proceeds. Even so, to have high grades in the rest and for this one to be doing so poorly, I’m a little confused. Thus far, my best guess is that there’s a dissonance on the communication somewhere. What they put forward and gently ask for is vastly different that what’s expected? I’m guessing. When I look over the material, none of it is beyond me. A little more effort and it should come together fine. I’ve explored redemption scenarios, and even if this class is a bust, my best outcome comes from staying with it. Thus I shrug and plod ahead.
My instincts still want to blame myself for all that’s wrong with this situation, and everything else under the sun. My higher thinking knows better, knows that I’m a less significant part of the whole than I attribute to myself to be. I’m not sure where that thinking came from, that it’s all about me. And I do feel guilty about being selfish and self indulgent. “Why”? Why am I like this. Either inheritance from the family tree’s crazy reserve, or some sort of self preservation thing from childhood trauma. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve put in the work as far as evaluating, diagnosing, and defying the trait. It’s still there. Still nestled in my core. Still influencing all my decisions. I do my best. Still, moving on.
So where do things stand now? Well, if it’s not apparent yet, do my best, keep moving. What other alternatives are there, really? Give up, stagnate and rot? Stand still and settle for the least? Man, feels a lot like I’ve been doing both of those since 2015. It’s not a wonderful feeling and even a worse outlook when all you have to do is maintain the status quo.