Mmm, love to over indulge in pleasures. Then, guilt driven, I overcompensate in repressed responsibilities. Altogether, a lop sided way to manage. By no means is the behavior an easy and manageable pendulum swing. More akin to a bowler-like spin that compromises trajectory. I’ll work on a better metaphor before I publish this . . . Maybe.
Yesterday, took a long drive out to the middle of nowhere, wrote here, did some art stuff. Weather sunshiny, I took off my shirt to just get a healthy dose of vitamin D. Drove back, indulged in fast food and spent the evening zoned out. Mild travails aside, a good day.
Seemed innocent enough. But lets tally that bill for a moment. The drive was very nice and soothing, gas prices being what they are, through the roof, made for a seventy dollar trip. Vitamin D, check; lotioning up, also check; Sun burn, check again. Onto the evening’s zone out? I did not exercise like I promised myself nor did I work on the art gift for my friend. In essence, I disappointed myself on two fronts and delayed an already over delayed project. Two neglected chores neglected more. Worst of the day yet, Fast food. Ow, my poor guts being exposed to the fat laden preservatives.
Climbing into bed last night was tough. I felt the stress. If I’m gonna do what I intend to do, I can’t afford to let things go like that. I’m trying to cultivate better habits where I’m more responsible, aware, and reliable. If I fall back on old habits or worse, fall back into self destructive patterns, my future is fucked. I get the part about forgiving oneself or practicing compassion, but there is a point where that softness becomes coddling. Which is destructive and can cost a person, at least this person, their dignity.
I am a smart and capable. I fret that those qualities don’t get projecting outwards because I’m too lost in a self indulgent selfish endeavor. Being a little more selfless and projecting my projects outwards to share with society and actually contribute to the betterment of mankind, you know, however small. I’d very much prefer for myself to give a little better than I take.
I’ve let enough people down in my life. I’ve let myself down enough. I am capable of a higher standard with, really, not that much effort. That said, more is needed.