I’ll need to get more creative with my titles, me thinks.
My instinct this morning: play me some effing video games. What I should do? I’m still not sure. Meditate, exercise, eat healthy, clean house, start a new project on the house, help out grandma with a few projects, check for jobs, check on applications, soul search, find a future, and more of this labored list I can’t recall. I doubt I’ll a thing on here, though. Nix that. I’ll play me some games.
My girlfriend fights herself in how she wants to change me. Or how much. Which leaves me feeling sad. I don’t want to disappoint. But I do. How couldn’t I? Her expectations get too high. In her defense, she needs them up there, because mine are too low. Whose are more realistic? Neither. We’re doing what our kind do. We’re meeting in the middle. She dials down a peg, I step it up. I’m not sure all relationships are like this. All of mine have been similar to this dynamic. My theory is all fellows need some domestication. Not all, not breaking their will. Just to a degree where they go from bachelor to family man.
On to other thoughts . . . And now I’m blank. Shit.
Gimme a minute . . .
. . . A half hour later.
I googled my name to see if this wordpress blog is showing up on the search engines yet. It’s not. I’m ok with that. I want to build this up a little more before I start advertising. a couple dozen entries and some time in. Also I want to make sure this little blog looks better. As of this moment, the blog looks incredibly amateur and sparse. I haven’t exactly figured out how to edit the page. I’ll get on that right away. Eventually.
In googling myself I stumbled upon my wee childrens book I managed to accomplish some years back. I look at it with a tinge of sadness. I couldn’t manage to make it go anywhere. My advertising and salesmanship efforts: stunted and fruitless. Self pity off. Anywho, I was looking at it and part of me pondered about making another go at it. Yep, even my commitment to quit art is in question. I was early into a second book but depression and loneliness side tracked me. No self pity there, just facts. Anywho, I give the book away fro free on my site. Couple of bucks to download the PDF on a few sites. I don’t know, google it if you’re bored.
Alright, enough for now.
This morning felt like a cop out. That and I’m feeling like splooging some more in this direction. Watch your eyes.
Today brings me, not lamenting, more contemplating my whole addiction thing. I have potential, I do. I’m super smart, pretty good looking, and rather charming. I have lots going on for me. I squander much of it. At least, I feel as though I do. Most my life, my time and efforts are vested into this one thing. The computer. I honestly do not think I am capable of modulating myself emotionally without it. Without it I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. The whole motivational system in my brain goes into crisis mode and all systems are allocated towards getting the computer back.
Where there’s a will; there’s a way, right? I believe that saying fervently. I have an over abundance of will, I think every addict does. Only problem is that will is misdirected. Broken.
No, I’m not at all tragically unique. There are millions out there like me. I pity each of them as much as I pity myself. Feels weird to put that out there, terribly selfish. I’ll keep it there.
Reflecting upon my life and my accomplishments or lack thereof, I am faced time and time again, something is wrong. I concede that the “wrong” here could be my whole approach to this thing called life. It could be. I doubt it seriously, though. I doubt it because I’ve tried it tons of different ways, different times, different desperations. The same result just keeps coming back. Me in front of the computer.
I’ve given up. The fight in me ain’t what it used to be. The weight and accumulation of my perspective failures has taken my legs out from me. Broken? A heavy sigh and a nod with downcast eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I’m broken.
Currently my theory is: it’s all bigger than me. Outside my realm of control. I can’t help it. It’s not my fault. Convenient, maybe. But that’ my conclusion thus far. You’ll find among all addicts, or people trying to repress their nature a common theme. Repress. Repress in a healthy way. A monk like existence. Pray, meditate, find the peace. No resentments, acknowledge what you can’t change. Practice acceptance.
I’m striving for all that. I earnestly am. Sometimes I’m more successful than others. Still, I try.
I almost missed writing this. Not the best of signs. Especially considering I nearly missed it because of falling into bad habits. Or old habits. Whichever.
Happy Halloween. No kids came trick or treating again this year. I ate the bag of candy myself. left me sick. I’m still sick. Also ran out of coffee yesterday. So I got that going for me today as I try my darnedest to wake the fuck up. I’ll be sure to notify you when I do.
My buddy and I played video games into the night, last night. He’s a good friend, so even if the video games are damning and my bane, it was worth it. I really need to allot more time to him. My brother too for that matter.
I blink as I look at the post just a few days old with pie in the sky ambitions. Grandiose, lofty goals . . . story of my life. I was fueled by a few things upon making those claims. Feeling rejected by my girlfriend is one, feeling pitied by my brother would be the other. Both have been telling me I need some direction in my life. To their credit, they’re both right. I have been wandering a bit much a bit long.
But when the sting of disappointing them no longer throbs, the motivations seems to wane, too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up. Just condemning myself to this. I need something to commit to. Some god damned way to give back. With my limited resources, traits, and what-have-you’s, this is what I got. It ain’t much, but this is what I got.