Lost Count

Mornin.

Missed a post yesterday. I’m trying to do this everyday. I’m still working out the kinks. Gimme twenty one days at this. They say that’s the time it takes to form a habit. So wait, if I missed yesterday, does that timer reset? More on this fascinating topic later.

I have a great deal of things I want to do. Activities and persons I would like to pay more attention to. Spend more time with. There never seems to be enough time, though. This is a problem not at all unique to me. It seems to be standard fare for most people. I’m sure we’re all begging the same question; how best to handle the limited time and resources we have.

Me, I’m on priorities now. Prioritize what is important to me and gage it’s importance with time and attention. So much harder said then done.

If left to my nature, you would conclude, and correctly, that the computer is the most important thing in my world. I spend a huge percentage of my waking hours mindlessly on it. Computer dieting doesn’t work, my brain just don’t do that. I am trying a different angle to where being in front of this thing can be a strength. Instead of shedding the fat, maybe I can be a sumo wrestler.

Wacky. It seems far fetched and desperate as I write it. Welcome to my world.

This is the part where my heart falls a hair and my mind looks for maybe another solution. Hand wringing. Over thinking.

Hi. My name is Steve T. Laws.

Day 5

I’ll need to get more creative with my titles, me thinks.

My instinct this morning: play me some effing video games. What I should do? I’m still not sure. Meditate, exercise, eat healthy, clean house, start a new project on the house, help out grandma with a few projects, check for jobs, check on applications, soul search, find a future, and more of this labored list I can’t recall. I doubt I’ll a thing on here, though. Nix that. I’ll play me some games.

My girlfriend fights herself in how she wants to change me. Or how much. Which leaves me feeling sad. I don’t want to disappoint. But I do. How couldn’t I? Her expectations get too high. In her defense, she needs them up there, because mine are too low. Whose are more realistic? Neither. We’re doing what our kind do. We’re meeting in the middle. She dials down a peg, I step it up. I’m not sure all relationships are like this. All of mine have been similar to this dynamic. My theory is all fellows need some domestication. Not all, not breaking their will. Just to a degree where they go from bachelor to family man.

On to other thoughts . . . And now I’m blank. Shit.

Gimme a minute . . .

. . . A half hour later.

I googled my name to see if this wordpress blog is showing up on the search engines yet. It’s not. I’m ok with that. I want to build this up a little more before I start advertising. a couple dozen entries and some time in. Also I want to make sure this little blog looks better. As of this moment, the blog looks incredibly amateur and sparse. I haven’t exactly figured out how to edit the page. I’ll get on that right away. Eventually.

In googling myself I stumbled upon my wee childrens book I managed to accomplish some years back. I look at it with a tinge of sadness. I couldn’t manage to make it go anywhere. My advertising and salesmanship efforts: stunted and fruitless. Self pity off. Anywho, I was looking at it and part of me pondered about making another go at it. Yep, even my commitment to quit art is in question. I was early into a second book but depression and loneliness side tracked me. No self pity there, just facts. Anywho, I give the book away fro free on my site. Couple of bucks to download the PDF on a few sites. I don’t know, google it if you’re bored.

Alright, enough for now.

Day 4: More

This morning felt like a cop out. That and I’m feeling like splooging some more in this direction. Watch your eyes.

Today brings me, not lamenting, more contemplating my whole addiction thing. I have potential, I do. I’m super smart, pretty good looking, and rather charming. I have lots going on for me. I squander much of it. At least, I feel as though I do. Most my life, my time and efforts are vested into this one thing. The computer. I honestly do not think I am capable of modulating myself emotionally without it. Without it I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. The whole motivational system in my brain goes into crisis mode and all systems are allocated towards getting the computer back.

Where there’s a will; there’s a way, right? I believe that saying fervently. I have an over abundance of will, I think every addict does. Only problem is that will is misdirected. Broken.

No, I’m not at all tragically unique. There are millions out there like me. I pity each of them as much as I pity myself. Feels weird to put that out there, terribly selfish. I’ll keep it there.

Reflecting upon my life and my accomplishments or lack thereof, I am faced time and time again, something is wrong. I concede that the “wrong” here could be my whole approach to this thing called life. It could be. I doubt it seriously, though. I doubt it because I’ve tried it tons of different ways, different times, different desperations. The same result just keeps coming back. Me in front of the computer.

I’ve given up. The fight in me ain’t what it used to be. The weight and accumulation of my perspective failures has taken my legs out from me. Broken? A heavy sigh and a nod with downcast eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I’m broken.

Currently my theory is: it’s all bigger than me. Outside my realm of control. I can’t help it. It’s not my fault. Convenient, maybe. But that’ my conclusion thus far. You’ll find among all addicts, or people trying to repress their nature a common theme. Repress. Repress in a healthy way. A monk like existence. Pray, meditate, find the peace. No resentments, acknowledge what you can’t change. Practice acceptance.

I’m striving for all that. I earnestly am. Sometimes I’m more successful than others. Still, I try.

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