Mmkay, lemme crack these knuckles and let’s begin.
My cup runneth over. Any sins or what have you the school allows for me to make has been spent. I’m fighting two D’s to bring up to B’s and little more than a month to do so. I’m up to the task. One of those grades is fair. I’m mentioned a number of times already bombing the test for that class weeks ago. Cool, I can own it. I’ve already pumped that grade up from low F. Optimistic progress is being made. The second D, however, is unfair.
Halloween day, I wrote the teacher and teachers aid about now getting any feedback from grades, it’s been since September since last I got a grade. I was answered about preliminary grades that day. One assignment from October 2nd was officially posted. Fine. A couple more grades came fourth. One assignment came out to be a 5 of 100. Why? I did the assignment, but had inadvertently submitted an earlier draft. I didn’t even know there was a problem until long after the fact, and I’m still grinding my teeth wondering if I can contest the grade after so much time has passed. That same day I submitted that letter requesting feedback, my grade dropped from middling A down to middling D. The fuck.
Aggravating. I swear to god, I have no, absolutely no problem with the material itself. I can learn it all just fine. Where I trip up is learning the material at someone else’s behest. Academia has always been a struggle for me in this regard. Bothersome as it might be, I haven’t lost hope. I’ll appeal my case, likely to deaf ears, but I’ll appeal to both teacher and teacher’s aid this week. You know, to practice jurisprudence. My performance for the rest of the semester will have to be on point. I’m strapped in and ready to go. Upcoming, tests will redeem me in the first class, finish me early and strong for another, and both will buy time to salvage this one.
Onto other things. I am a selfish and self-centered man. I know this already. Biology and nurture have both had a hand in in making me this way. It is a strength in that I’m self sufficient as fuck. It is a weakness in that my social interactions, and on a deeper level, my relationships suffer. I can’t count the number of people I’ve hurt simply because I’m oblivious as fuck. When they bring up a feeling and I’m incapable of validating that feeling, the first few times, they just swallow it. After a couple gulps, though, fury festers.
This same obliviousness that obstructs and frustrates me with being an artist. The political aspect. Where I cannot reflect the joy or awe in patrons eyes as they look on. To die inside as I literally watch their joy visibly diminish because my wooden emotions don’t reflect back what they project. I know I’ve disappointed and I know there that there is now an emotional chasm between us. Rinse and repeat for colleagues, associates, friends, romances; an unpleasant thing to be sure. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I wish it were better.
Yeah, no post Friday. Among other items neglected, homework for a few classes, house chores, life chores, and perhaps an outstanding payment somewhere. After that tough midterm, I decided to give myself a good weekend. As carefree as could be. And carefree it was. And here we are now, back to today,. Back to the grind. Monday, Let’s review the bill. It’s more expensive than anticipated. OK, I can roll with that just fine. I know it’s on me. I know these indulgences don’t come without cost. Just gonna take a moment to breathe before going over itemization.
A few of the costs, I thought I was just willfully neglecting two assignments. Turns out it was five. Insert guilty, nervous, laughter. Oops. My grades being what they are, I can afford it. At least I think so. There’s still some grades up in the air and I’d hate to be on the wrong side of those when the dust settles. Honest to god, when I set things down and “let go”, I do just that. No check in’s or other bullshit, just let myself live in the moment. And fuck all, it was nice, needed, and worth it. No regrets. Turns out, you can’t live fully in the moment whilst keeping a stray eye on responsibilities. Good to know.
So this morning has me looking at the mess I abandoned with fresh eyes. And boy’o, that shit’s as ugly as my pockmarked butt. When not averting my eyes, I glance over and wonder where to begin, you know, before the cringe becomes too much and I have to distract myself with blog posts. There’s a lot there to unpack and digest. And it’s just gonna have to be good old fashioned patience, diligence, and time to clean it all up. OK, I’ll roll up my sleeves and get to it. I dread it yet I’m not scared.
For the foreseeable future, there’s a lot of things to get tidied up. I know, I’m being redundant. Good news is situations like this are pretty illuminating. I get to have a newfound appreciation of my coping strats and why I do as I do. Turns out, self preservation and self care are worthy considerations. I’m a lot less resentful of my indulgences now. They’re a necessary diffusion of stress and preservation of sanity. Cool! Hopeful! Just, let’s keep it measured. Balance and all that jazz.
Another boon to appreciate is looking at my mess with fresh eyes. I see opportunities or blessings I didn’t see before. For instance, my math class. I unknowingly signed up for the fast track class. The fuck!? Here I am keeping up with that class, it being the highest grade among classes, and it’s over in a little more than a week. OK, sucks about stressing over that unexpected final, but with that class done, think of all the time I’ll have to dedicate to finishing remaining classes strong. That’s awesome!
I know, I forgot Friday. Let’s pretend this never happened.
Monday. Midterms. God damn it. So not only do I get to be neurotic about my abilities, but I get to be formally tested on it. “Steve, despite your insistence, you do not suck in such-and-such ways. Thanks to our modernized testing techniques, we find that you actually suck in these whole new ways.” Gee, thanks.
Am I really doing so poorly? I don’t know. The uncertainty is painful enough. Knowing my capabilities for catastrophic failure enhances the dread. I still have that zero hanging over my head, you know that test a few weeks back. It still gives a realistic possibility of course failure. Never mind the high grades in the rest of the coursework. Further on, do I have the money, time, or want to take a course over again? No. The answer is a hard curt, “No”.
I find it strange how my life literally revolves around this school practice. I put off real life chores from grocery shopping to truck registration to voting all because I doubt I have the time. The fuck. And even when I’m not studying, you know, just burning time taking languidly long breaks; wouldn’t you know it, it has to do with procrastinating over god damned school work. I wonder if things’ll continue this way or will I ever get find a groove. Will such a trend continue once I reenter the workforce? Likely, yes, and yes. And in both scenarios, I’ll find my groove. Beyond getting that groove back, I’ll find boredom. Beyond boredom, the desire for a new challenge. It’s all a beautiful circle.
One more paragraph. And it has to do with stresses from family. My father, bless his heart, cannot find a scammer he doesn’t like. They take all his money, ghost him, and he still gives them the benefit of the doubt. When confronted if he’s in the midst of yet another scam, he poo-poo’s the topic despite heavy precedent against him. This has been a trend for the past decade. From shifty contractors to fake damsels always in monetary crisis to foreign lotteries he’s won but needs to pay before receiving his winnings; I swear to god, the facts bring me low. Though I want to, I can’t fucking save him. I can’t even save myself. And to look into the future and know he or we won’t have the money should financial problems arise. The truth stabs oh so deep.