Poetry and Me

Guess what kind of musicians I find myself attracted to. Soloists who, for whatever reason, share a lot of the same struggles as yours truly. The world is full of struggling artists trying to find the way. I admire their talents and share the struggle. Fuck if I can claim I know any of them personally. I can’t. I don’t. So due disclosures, there might be some projection on my part.

There is an initial want for the art or product to be bigger than it really is. To do more than it can. “World changing” or “ground breaking” and other underpinnings of lofty reasoning are what motivate. Then there is a reality to contend with. Real deal things like bills, family, basics of survival. All of which cut into an artists time to perfect their craft. Suddenly, compromises need to be made. Sometimes those compromises are made in craft, sometimes in soul.

No matter how fine the work, diminishing returns are a part of the reality. Any artist can tell you the story of the project they spent hours-upon-hours on that flopped and the throw-away project that took minutes that became a success. Turns out, there are larger factors that decide a works’ adoption and acceptance. Sometimes it’s audience, sometimes it’s timing, sometimes sheer luck, among the deciding factors.

Tips and tells abound in artists and what their art really is. Things like lyrics that state lofty ideals. Or progressive messages. Advertising where the person is uncomfortable. Really, people can tell which artist is better at playing guitar versus which artist is better at playing a celebrity. Stranger still, both art forms are valid.

Mind you, I’m not at all about pissing on efforts or mindsets. No gatekeeping. I’m simply trying to make sense of it all and my place in it. I’m relating to the artist I perceive as most like me and, if I’m right, understanding that artwork on a deeper level.

Twilly Dee

Were I to guess the recipe for success the first part would be to know they self. Second part would go something like know they world. Third part: orient the two accordingly. Me, I’m pretty sure I get lost somewhere in navigating that third part.

I’m pretty self aware. At my age with all the life lessons, it’s really hard not to be.┬áThe world really isn’t much harder to figure out. I think I figured that out first. Negotiating the two? Oh, my! Finding the compromises between the self and world is an ordeal. And constantly needing to be reestablished. Then gauging how to improve efficacy, efficiency, or even if it’s worth while. Fuck. Sometimes I struggle. And the never ending feedback loop is torture.

How I picture the perfect me would be? In this world? That’s a vision that’s changed a lot over the years. Now? Fuck if I know. The running theme throughout them all has been independence. Where I’m not reliant upon or beholden to anyone or anything. Which is a cute theme but, at times, can get cripplingly lonely or empty. Overall, tough.

That’s all of us, isn’t it? Living through our choices. Enjoying what we chose to see and suffering through what we didn’t. Which, I guess, is how wisdom is tempered. Learning the real values of pleasures and the hidden costs behind them. And truly appreciating those those little freebies life tosses our way once and again.

Wired Tired

Today finds me in a one to one watching a suicidal man sleep. I wont go too far into rules and regs, but officially, when we have a suicidal fellow admitted, we can’t leave them alone. So its my turn to keep him company for the next twelve hours. Its not my place to question what he’s going through so I won’t. I’m pretty good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. That said I can tell you first hand stories of folks gaming the system for meals, beds, and drugs.

Fellow work folks, you know, the ones who are working and sacrificing for their careers are all around me. My favorites friends are all increasing their credentials and moving on to exciting new horizons and fat paychecks. I love them, I’m proud of them, they deserve good things. After all, they’re awesome folks.

All the positivity out there. There are times where its feels as though I’m standing still. There are times when I work hard put in the effort and the confidence is there. I’m an unrecognized champion. Those times feel nice. Then there are the times when I’m frayed, and tired, and worried about money or the future or, like now, standing still. Those times are less kind. I look at my arts, writings, and I measure their worth. And, there are times where the judgement is scathing.

I am not sure what more to sacrifice or how much harder I need to work. I get a feeling sometimes calming, sometimes not that this is a lifelong endeavor. And that rather than fight it, just simplify and put in the good fight. Shrug. I’m putting in the hours, I’m putting in the effort . . . maybe I’m doing something wrong. All’s fair speculating the silver bullet. Could be I need to network more, could be I’m not promoting well enough, could be the gravitational pull from the star Betelgeuse is being offset by a moon of Jupiter.

Oh well, I’ll put in a couple more minutes of thought before getting back to grinding out books.

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