There are times when I sink into myself and bad habits. Too many to list but at the root of them them is a base negativity. Maybe even legit depression. Is it legit depression expressing bad habits or bad habits leading to a stint of depression? Fuck if I’ll ever know. Among the creative circles there’s even the theory that depression is the price of creativity. You can’t have one without the other.
I start with this topic to emphasize the moments of clarity after a funk. The moments where you wonder, “What was I thinking?” Followed soon after by, “how do I prevent this from happening again?”
When the doubts ebb in. Is it worth it? Does it matter? Look at the the competition. Are you good enough? Will you be one iota happier when this is all done? You know, the normal batching we do to ourselves when confronting adversity.
And then the doubts flow out. Yes, totally worth it. It matters to me and the people who get excited when I share. Yep, the competition is thick but look at all that chaff. Actually, I’m plenty good enough. You know, the normal thoughts when feeling hopeful.
It’s polarizing as fuck and confusing as all hell.
The good news is, I’m on the uptick. I’m back into healthy habits and my thinking is positive. Mood wise, the iron is plenty hot. A euphemism usually reserved for opportunities presented outside the self. In this instance, the opportunity resides within. I’ll strike that iron a few times whiles it’s here.
To those with the discipline, I have envy and respect for yall.
Yeah. Rhyming titles, that’s gonna be a thing so long as I’m being a poet.
…You know it.
The heck is the deal with the schedule function on this thing? The 12th’s post was supposed to publish on the 14th. Todays post will not be scheduled but put in manually. It might work right. It very well could be user error. Considering how much time and effort I invest to getting it just right, its a little fluttering when things fuggle up.
So how about that covid business, huh? The hospital and us are still on lockdown. We have a ton of precationary measures still in place we have units mashed together to catch whatever this crisis can throw at us. And, for the first time in a long time, I can say I respect how my hospital has handled things.
As to the crisis, I am getting a universal sense that people are tired of feeling wired. There’s only so much panic any of us can take before we down shift into endure mode. I get the feeling people have downshifted and the hunger for normalcy has replaced the sense of the world ending. We got punched in the face unexpectedly and, nose bloodied and adrenaline faded, wondering how a bitch-slap got past out defenses.
I’d drone on about rioting, the economy, and the second wave of covids but Im already exhausted and exasperated just thinking about it.
Let’s move on.
Me? Psht. I’m fine. Spoiled even. I know a couple of good people that got taken by this covid thing in the early days. That part of it we’re still coping with. And something like that puts into perspective all the blessings you had all along. You know, those ones you’ve neglected. In light of others’ losses, I hope I can reflect back something, anything they’ve given me. We’re all in this together folks. Le’t show humanity what humanity can do.
. . . Ok, Rhetoric, let’s dial down some.
Preaching aside, I guess this post is just about, I don’t know. Giving. I dumped off some money into the local food bank. The nature of my job lets me work with and help the less fortunate. I don’t know. We’ll find relevant stuff to add to this post in the future. Some sort of moral to the story that isn’t reaching or empty.
These titles display my recent forays into poetry. I am grinding hard. Wordsmithing is like an intensive game of solitaire. Get the idea, forge sentence structure, be mindful of rhythm, and rhyme, yeah, I can see why this is a respectable thing.
I’m pulling the old act together. Doubling down on meditation and exercise, oh, and time outside the house in the park or wilderness areas. The sun and fresh air are really delightful and conducive. However I do notice myself being distracted more by the birds and squirrels. Meh, fair trade.
This covid business is still a very real deal where I am. The hospital is still under lockdown. Tensions are still there, but I swear, fatigue has ebbed into the panick. People are tired of being overly clenched. It still sucks, but a general malaise more so than a panick. You can feel the desire to get back to normal.
Art is good. Feels good to get so much done. But I find I really need to keep on that mindful balance stuff. You know, the one where burnout is avoided. This business stuff is tough. Sometimes I wonder if I’m forcing things versus finding a better way. Other times, I’m certain I got the right formula. The polar dissonance is dizzying.
I swear I gotta make an artists support group or something. All the psychological chaos is exhausting. A little place for comfort and like minded company sounds nice.