Yep, it’s Friday. End of the work week. Time to recoup for a day or so before the next work week begins. Celebrate? I dunno. I got more work to do at home.

I got me plenty of homework to stress over. It keeps me tired and well honest. Maybe even more appreciative of the free time I can eke out. Am I wont to complain? No, not really. While I do squeak and moan, you know, more than usual, they seem to be all adjustment noises. Still in the period of carving out those little pleasures. And too distracted to really appreciate the ones already present. So far, I’m not counting enough pleasures to proclaim victory. But, you know, progress.

Times like these, i get to flex against uncertainties. At times surprisingly well; others, well, not so much. I feel strongest and most adroit when I’m doing things solo. Which makes sense seeing as how much time I spend in my own head. Socially, god damn it, them skills might need some stretching and massaging. I find myself overextending in group projects, then comically overcompensating as I try to self regulate without the input from others. Sigh, a gentle check-in now and again would go a long way. I will practice them “check-ins”. Until then, guess we’ll wait and hope for that fallout to be gentle. Can’t be that bad, right?

My mood is cautionary. Cognitively, I know I’ll be fine; emotionally: where’d all this insecurity come from? Aw who am I kidding? It’s always been like this

Humble Bungle

I know no one but the web bots and my conscience noticed, but I failed to post on Friday. Late into the third week of school and I am or was flustered. Feeling overwhelmed and scattered, I do what I do in those situations and I start to peel off the superfluous tasks so as to focus on the core. In retrospect, I really didn’t need to skip or skimp on writing this, I had the time and the smarts. It was the wits that weren’t about me, thusly, my performance suffered.

So merrily, we skip into this week. Maybe not so much “merrily”, how about “dutifully”? Just got home from school and grocery shopping. I don’t want to say things are bad, because they’re not. But my schedule is uncertain and I haven’t budgeted time well enough to get all tasks done. I’m exaggerating a bit, but when I feel guilty for taking an hour to grocery shop the another hour for exercise for fear of those indulgences eating into my homework time. It means I’m worried about time management.

Stress levels are higher than normal, so I have that to get used to, as well. Once I’m adjusted, fuck, then it’s all a breeze. Until then a lot of my time is looking to learn enough to know what I’m doing and to have my short-hands in place so when I do it, I look good. I’m in that phase of adjustment period where there’s just too much uncertainty. About the in’s, out’s, benefits, and costs. I chuckle as I add to the list: fail to apply the appropriate significance. That’s still being measured, too.

And here I write, well humbled and honest before the challenges. I’m not shrinking from them, mind you, just trembling oh so slightly. One thing I do notice as I go about meeting my own obstacles, it does give me a better picture of how others wrestle with their own issues. A more sympathetic one. These pressures and uncertainties make fools out of us all. Be it in the form of underestimation or over estimation of the self or the problem, we all get our chances to get it wrong.

Sides of Divides

Laptop on twenty one percent battery. Left the charger at home. Let’s see if I can write this in time.

Wild fires are choking the atmosphere with smoke. During the night times AQI’s reaching 350-390 for extended durations, which, for the uninitiated, is pretty goddamned toxic. Sleeps been tough, you can feel your lungs itching and your eyes burning and, given time, vice versa. String together another or two restless nights more and I’ll leave town for a weekend getaway. Literally for the fresh air. Plop in some podunk hotel out in the middle of nowhere, catch up on sleep, and try to regain some health.

Third week of school. I’m finding more and more of a groove as time goes on. Know a little more about what I’m doing, where I’m going, and what to expect. Such comforts are so reassuring. I can see why, once I build my ruts, it’s so hard to venture out. I have friends who live for the times outside their comfort zones, enlivened by the new stimulus. I admire them. Mostly, because I am their opposite. Me, my new stimulus comes in the form of a new movie, book, or game. If things get too uncomfortable or wild, I can put my stimuli right back down again and be at home. Safe.

Anyway, school. I find I am already educated. When it comes to learning, I’m self sufficient as fuck. How many interests has my ADHD mind chased over the years? Learned, forgotten, then relearned. Too many to count. I’m finding the material is not the hardest part of the academic learning process. It’s the customer service. What I mean by this is: learning what the teacher wants, and learning the material at their pace. Which, all in all, is fine. I get the pragmatism. Being beholden to such an environment is, for lack of a better word, “jank”. Or, more formal “foreign”. I suppose it’s fitting. In a work environment, when one hasn’t demonstrated autonomy and thereby left to it, working with a boss is similar.

Which, will likely be my future, all things confessed. Working under a boss with a team towards some unifying goal. My years since high school have been me putting my autonomy and independence above all, career, relationships, even dreams. I can’t say I regret any of it, though, after a couple of beers, you’ll hear me overdramatically whinge and moan enough. No, in reality I meet plenty of friends my age on the opposite side of the divide who, over their years gave too much of themselves to their projects. In conversing with those friends, I gain an appreciation for their side of the divide as well as my own. I like to think that in those conversations both parties see the errs and wisdom of the other. Both gravitate to a middle ground where the best of both worlds overlap.

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