Gum Runnin’

I’m asked a lot a lot about what’s next. What are you gonna do? What are your future plans? Aren’t you gonna do better? You deserve better! Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be rich? And so forth.

I already hustle my butt hard keeping the status quo, low as it is. I have no debts. Reluctant as fuck to take on any. I’m neurotic about not imposing on others. Asking for help goes against my grain, needing help even more so. And yet, I’m very malleable when being imposed upon. I readily help and sometime impose help. As frustrated as I get with myself and those goddamned dichotomies, I still manage. Somewhat nobly, I might add.

Yeah, I’m lowly when it comes to status or finances. There was a time when I was gunning for art icon status. More famous than Amos, and richer than cheesecake. But, then I learned about the “costs”. Devolving into a single minded narcissistic workaholic was too much. So I made some compromises, an today I’m an insistent loner with healthy work ethic.

I compromised on that vision. I stayed with the theme, “I’ll do it all by myself.” And, to my credit, I am doing it solo. I don’t think people realize how limiting “solo” is. I certainly didn’t when I started this journey. The humongous achievements are usually done by groups of people with a singular asshole who assumes all the credit. Don’t get me wrong, I can do amazing things, my freedom and independence are off the charts. Even so, both are finite. On top of which, independence and life balance come with costs. All this topic-framing in place, my output, as clean as it is, is modest in size.

And I don’t think people understand. Misconceptions make it hard to give credit where credit is due.

For instance, the fight to sate loneliness and boredom while remaining sane can take enormous resources. Finding alternatives, not drugs, booze, or niche perv activities, but healthy alternatives, to slake those basic human needs is a lot of time consuming trial-an-error. Then, budgeting time and resources to cope and remain functional. Again, remain sane. If balance is not managed and maintained, those coping tactics can go from healthful to gluttonous real fast.

So what do I do with myself? Fuck if I really know. Here’s my best guess. Stay the course. Be patient with myself, be patient with others. I’m gonna do art. I’m gonna finish out my years as an artist. I never knew denying myself of art would also take away my sense of identity and purpose. Without those, things sure feels hollow inside.

Is 40 . . . mrm billion years old still too old to keep trying? In my weaker moments, yes but really it’s not. No matter what age, you gotta try. I see lotsa folks, myself included, give up. Sometimes temporarily other times permanently. Whenever, it ain’t pretty. In giving up, some just need the rest, others need to cut bait, and still others learn different methodologies. All that said, you can’t exist as given up. Still, gotta try. The defeated are a scary lot. We see them everyday lost in their addictions, perversions and misguided thinking. If you ever see the ones that do give up, you channel the pity and revulsion you feel for them into motivation to keep trying yourself.

Be Consistent!

You’ll find one of the rules for growing and keeping an audience will be consistency. I wonder about my consistency. I like to be on and off again. To go into projects with an intensity that is short lived, then spend the rest of my time recharging. Rinse repeat. I do that with a ton of my projects. Updating the website, writing here in the blog, painting, drawing, poetry, video games, girlfriends; all of it. You’ll find me trying to diversify my portfolio nowadays. A little here, a little there. and just keep doing those little bits on a daily basis. Let time and consistency do the rest.

Onto smaller things. I need to wrestle some of my old subject matter from a hard drive that has been out of commission for almost a year. So there’s that. I’ll also need to get on top of making new subject matter. For that I’ll need a camera, a ‘spensive camera. Why ‘spensive? Because I’m techie and I love to get things with tech! For those not in the know, tech costs money. I’d use it to take pictures of my paintings as well as all the things.

That rambling paragraph written is but one of the many items on my list to get done. That’s what’s on my mind for now. Whirring and scurrying thoughts. All the to-do’s a fellow like me can imagine into being, and all them needing to be done immediately. Lol, its absurd, and knowing so gives me mirth. Some of its mood, some my own brand of crazy, and some sorta unknown. Luckily, I’ve been through this state of mind enough to know not to take it seriously.

Just as luckily, I’m grounded in my fundamentals. Knowing the importance and priority of self care habits. Practicing those same habits diligently soes when weird states of mind do happen, or even weird states of life happen; I’m armed with perspective. I’m good.

Oh, How I love it…

Oh, how I love this chilly mornings. Armed with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee, my coziness level is off the charts. Like, man this feels good!

In the middle of a couple of beers last night, right in the sweet spot, I decided to advertise this little blog on Facebook and Twitter. It’s not much but it does leave me with reservations. Some of those reservations referring to embarrassing myself in front of two’s of people. I mockingly ask myself, “But what must they think of me?” And with a grounded knowing I answer, “They do not think anything of you because you do not cross their minds.” Which, wry smile, lets me do shit I’m normally too shy to do.

That little tidbit aside, yesterday was dedicated towards refining my internet presence. Updating links, tweaking layout, making future plans, It all looks nice. Or nice enough. There’s more work to do. There always is. Still, it’s a great way to spend a Sunday. Like gardening, making my small part of the world that much prettier. The satisfaction translates.

Knowing I have more to do on my site reminds me I need to create more content. Content for the site and for the three viewers I maintain. No problem-o. I have stuff in the works. I smile as I think on how I like to refine the hell out of whatever I make. Slows production down, sure; but ups quality. Not only the painting but writing, webdesign, book design, blogging, and life’s responsibilities . . .  

Pause. Here’s the time to dial down. I’m getting ahead of myself. Managing time and priorities and the billion or so projects I busy myself with. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing. A little art, writing, and self care each day. Let’s simplify, a little each day. There. Nice and succinct.

Sure, is nice to feel this cozy. I need to do this more often.

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