You know, I swore off this art thing about five years back. A frothy mix of nihilistic rage, frustration, and midlife crisis lead me to believe I was over pursuing a dream. That I had lost so much effort that all that time spent was for naught. Struggling to be an artist was a cosmic joke.
Continuing with over dramatic sarcasm.
Were I to do it over again, I’d be overly successful. A high status job, tons a money, huge house, beautiful family, the works. Life woulda been perfect in every conceivable way. If only I had chosen a different path than this art business, all my problems would go away and nothing but bliss would remain.
Over dramatic sarcasm ends; earnestness begins. Life doesn’t work like that.
Any path taken would come with equal amounts blessings and curses, pleasures and pains. I’m nigh positive alternate realities of me who have up on art are looking back and regretting that decision. That’s the funny thing about regrets, its all horseshit. Dependent on perspective and the story you tell youself, all things considered and for all you know that regret was the best choice you’ve ever made.
From ill considered regrets to ill considered choices. I’m guessing both are a necessity. A person needs to know the good and bad before an informed choice can be made. One such lesson is purposelessness vs purposeful.
A life lesson to learn that’s a tough one is purposelessness. For those last five years I’ve lived without purpose. The dithering, listlessness, and disinterest were paralyzing. Any attempts at a new purpose interested me about as much as the taste of styrofoam interested my palette. When I reflect on wasted time, it wasn’t the pursuit of art. No. It was those past five years of no art that killed me.
I say this with a strange gravity.
Because right now. I’m giving myself purpose with this art thing. I can’t say if it’s an illusion or if its false hope. But, god, it feels good. So good to work on something meaningful and towards something to believe in. All facets of life are working towards a larger whole and goddamned if that isnt a welcome change.
Expectations have been adjusted. Motivations have been buttressed. Perspective cleared.