Rebuilding of the Steve
I nearly forgot today was Monday, post day. Heres a post in all it’s rushed typo filled glory.
Quit my job. All the way back in August. Stopped playing the vidya-games back in January. Finished half of schooling in December, well on my way to finishing with a degree.
I’m clocking in at 40… mrm, billion-ish years old. I’m at a point where, I really do have to make the most of time left. You know, presuming there’s time left.
The skills I’ve accrued from the job, the games, the school did come with its pluses. For the job, customer service skills, deescalation and conflict resolution skills, . . . how to wrestle a patient so they can’t hurt a nurse, themselves, or you. Games about recreating, finding a meditative mindset, exploring others’ creative expressions. Academia taught me about over committing, under committing. About how you need to find that sweet spot between strung out straight A’s and mindlessly spinning tires. Also, direction. Need a trajectory.
All that said, and respects paid. Fuck my old job. Talk about being being overworked, underpaid, and under appreciated. Management probably couldn’t mention anything about how often the nurses were abused by patients for fear of acknowledgement and after acknowledgement, retribution. Fuck off games, I’ve always always hated my dependence on you. Thank you for your service, I finally get why I needed you all those times, but you have eaten enough of my life. Academia, guess who’s can fuck off, too?! Your bullshit costs, text book scams, and lessons in subjugation. Want that A and teachers favor? Dedicate time into this busywork. No, thank you. I’ll content myself with a B and peace of mind.
Essentially, I’m hacking out those skills which are not earning their worth in my life. Admittedly, its been disorienting. Suddenly there is a heap of time on my hands. Writing here and art explorations have been reinitialized, the goal, to give me the creativity and meditative state video-games once did. Since work, social life has been wanting. Social life needs rebuilding. Academic pursuits, among the roles you’re filling, that falls under your umbrella. Work, lets separate you up into tolerable bites. One part money and stability, one part artistic endeavors. Then, finally, we’ll have some balance.
I struggle to find the time to practice “my art” too. It is largely poor time management perhaps. Currently my job is 9-6, which sucks because that means dinner is late and by the time we are done with that…it’s veg time. Thus leaving no time for “play time”. Now if I was really serious about perfecting or practicing my craft I should get up at 6am every morning and do it before I leave for work. Usually I sleep till my alarm goes off, get up, brush teeth, do hair, get dressed make coffee and leave.. 30min after alarm. LOL been that ways since the cafe days. I don’t lollygag in the morning. BUT if that is the time I have to study, practice etc… I need to learn how to do that. Instead I moan that I just don’t have the time. Phones, internet, TV all distract and waste time. Sometimes that is a good thing but most of the time it’s just stupid. Yes Balance. That is what is required. I get really appalled when I think about the amount of time I have wasted on FB or other that I could have been studying. I have like 4 classes and I started and haven’t finished. Sigh. I did finally quit buying more but geesh. ADD didn’t used to my an issue I struggled with…HAHA
You make a lot of sense. And you know what, a lot of what you mention is perfectly normal and human. If you did have that perfect schedule and you were the perfect achiever, wouldn’t the more human part of you feel malnourished? There’s a price to be paid for all that. . . On the flip side, being an uber achiever does come with benefits…
Sigh. Its a tough call. Balance. On top of which, for each and every person, that mark is an ever moving target depending on the circumstances. You’re smart, and you know whats important. Your ADD tendencies aside, I’m guessing youl’l pull through ok