Relearning to care
First day off in a long ass time. Got me some urges to booze up, gorge on junk food, and vidya game the day away. Luckily for me, I’ve been practicing my steady hand. All them bad urges ain’t gonna happen. Steve’s got things to do. People to not let down.
This morning finds me nipping on coffee and cleaning as I go. My place, my life is cluttered with slovenly neglect. Well, not neglect, but the clutter one accumulated when trying to overextend, you know, by doing everything themselves. Tools and manuals, half started projects next to half finished ones next to more neglected ones. A few years worth of debris. Between ramping this stuff back up and clearing the detritus of the past, there is a lot of work to be done. Still, I’m up to the task.
I realized as I was removing an old hard disk from a soon to be discarded laptop (laden with passwords and porn, can’t be too safe). Anywho, I realized that when I gave up on art, I gave up on life. Nothing mattered. When nothing matters who cares if the laundry goes undone, if I eat out of the same dirty dish for the seventh time, fuck all; exercise is more work than it’s worth. And wouldn’t you know it, those small indulgences when left unchecked spread like a mold throughout your life. Everything is equally worthless and disposable. Money, friends, opportunities, I’ve squandered a lot in my time off. Deeply humbled that it isn’t until now that I’m finally piecing it together. Appreciating the slow distruction and changing it into one of creation.
This is not something to punch myself in the psyche over. Oh no. This is a life lesson to swaddle in velvet and find a place for high in my heart. Somewhere near the core. Because without it all I knew was hate, pain, and entitlement. With it, suddenly there’s new feelings of love, compassion, and selflessness. And the perspective on life is a whole lot less dark and grey.