I just meandered past my third weekend of work. Today I begin my forth week. I’m ok with this.
My power went out a moment ago. Was out for about an hour and a half. I did what I could to fill the time, cleaned up a little, showered, did some hygiene stuff, basically prepared to leave the house. I did it all in a good mood too. I feel alright, at least I think I do. I say this because as I went about doing these tasks. My mind fluttered with insecurities. Those feeling nagged at me as I went about my day.
I doubted I was an addict for a few second. I am, no doubt about it. Still I entertained the notion. I worried about inadvertently coming off as insecure. I do, undoubtedly. I’m an insecure guy. I suspect this particular insecurity was picked up as a neurotic artist. I managed to be nervous about it. I was anxious about writing in here. I spoke with my younger brother yesterday. I feared my self loathing coming off as too prominent. I managed to worry about fixing up my little shit hole and neglecting doing it.
I was anxious this morning. Logically, I can explain these anxieties away. Likely I was over all nervous because the comfort and schedule I have with the computer was interrupted. Peck, peck loves me regardless of whether or not I’m awkwardly coarse with myself. I admit, I’d like to inject a little more self love and understanding in my life, that skill’s gonna take some time though. I spent too many years hating on myself. It’s gonna take a while to untie that knot. Fixing up the house, that is BS. It’s comforting to know I can do it. Admittedly a small part of me wants to do it. Not really though, that chore gets to go way down on my list of priorities. It’s excusable if I ignore it. Writing in here, well shit. I do write in here. The only time I procrastinate about it is when I worry about doing it. I’ll try to just fit it into a regular schedule. Overall, I’m doing fine with it. Great, in fact.
As you can tell the power is up. How else would I be able to post here if it weren’t? I’m glad it is, too. The computer is my comfort zone. I’ve turned to it often over the years to get my by and to cope with a great many things in my life. Yeah, sometimes I’ve done it too much so, but it does not justify the strain I put on myself. I’ll just accept that it’s here to stay and try to work around that. While I can easily see how it adversely affects me and my achievements. I neglect to acknowledge the peace it affords me. I’m not a super accomplished guy . . . nix that. I’m more accomplished than I give myself. I have a great many skills I’ve picked up over the years that I outright ignore in my single minded attempt to control myself to conform.
I’m a great guy. I was born with some great attributes. I’m intelligent, witty, humorous, warm, caring, tall, handsome, funny, wise, and healthy. Over the years I’ve learned great skills like listening, conflict resolution, work ethic, typing, learning to love another, learning to love myself, tolerating stress, enduring . . . Steve, you’re a pretty cool guy. Please be kinder to yourself.