Smokey Knolls

Yeah, I make up words now. As sanity slips (you know, further), why not? I’ll Dr. Suess the shit out of this cognitive decline . . . sweet find meek rhymes.

I don’t have much to report. Week’s gone by. I’m still in my slump funk. Boring as all hell, really. Yet I somehow am compelled to sit and stare. And as I do, I neglect all. Perspective on the future, cleaning around the house, basic hygiene. I’m like one of those lab rats who foregoes all basic survival needs in favor of the crack laced water. It’s not fun, the high is terrible, the hangover is worse, the lifestyle: atrocious.

I know I said I was gonna stop last time. I didn’t. But, hear me out, give me another try. To slyly quote the cliche gambling addict, “I got a system! I can’t lose!” Lose I will! Let’s be perfectly honest. Any relation that’s had to live with an addict knows the drill. It’s only a matter of time. That said, I’m still gonna try. Gonna do it tonight. Gonna hurt my computer real bad so that I don’t even have the choice. It sucks that this is what I gotta do, but until my crazy miraculously dissipates, this drastic horseshit is what I got to cope.

“Surely, there are better ways,” you might declare. And surely there are. But in my 25-30 years of trying, like desperately and fanatically trying, I haven’t found one. No silver bullets, just tin foil and spit balls. Done my therapy, group sessions, reading, hypnotism, official diagnosis, guru’s, religion, and on the list, like the depravity, goes. On and on. With heavy heart I can only assure you, I’ve tried. It ain’t much but this is the best I got. Just me odd-jobbing for whatever stints of sanity I can get.

3 Comments on “Smokey Knolls

  1. What if the cycle is part of the plan? Creative souls have to have down time. It is where they wander and create. The other side of that is, of course, when we are stuck in an addictive “episode” what are we running from? what are we afraid of? what are we medicating? IE Why? self deprecation? You are worthy. Just as you are. Boredom? boredom can lead to creativity. Fear? my personal favorite. haha. What can really happen that is so life ending detrimental? Reading a new book right now called “Mirrors In The Earth: Reflecting on Self-Healing in the living world” by Asia Suler. Very contemplative read. I am just at the beginning but she is spot on when she expresses that we find ourselves in nature. I am definitely most myself and content in a nature. Blessings Sir!

    • Sage advice. And Like you say, I can’t take any of this too seriously or strenuously. There are benefits I fail to see through the fog. That last part, I am especially attracted to the idea of communing with nature.

Leave a Reply