Just finished my weekend. Tons of beer, sugar, and laziness were had. I feel sick. I’ve had enough and I’m ready to recover. I’m alright with today being a work day. It’ll be good for me. Played Star Craft to the point of exhaustion. Kept playing after that. Demonstrating again, if I had too much free time, I’d misspend it. Like I’ve been misspending it for years.
Enough of that.
Today’s Valentine’s day. This year I continue my trend of poor or alone Valentine’s days. This year, though, I am content to be alone. My mind does go to Laura now and again. My heart goes out to her. I hate to think of how I’ve hurt her. I did hurt her. I’m not sure what to put on this without sounding as though I’m trying to convince myself of something. I’m not. I am attempting to validate the ache.
I’m primped and preened for the day. Did my shower and shaving scheme. I look alright. I am hoping today’s Valentine’s day is uneventful. I’ve neglected these things in the past and when I did try, it’d end up terribly. Lesson learned, just let it happen and don’t worry about it otherwise. So I’m laboring not to worry about it. Hard to do when pop culture throws it in your face at every turn. My goal is to stay mellow and keep normal.
The people I work with, maybe groups in general, I struggle a bit to understand. I’m not a social dynamo. I never have been. I enjoy my time with people and my interactions with them. I also very much enjoy time to myself. All that said, I’m gonna delve into the people at work to try and make sense of them. I am a little wary of most of them. Gossip is a terrible thing. When they gossip about me, I have much fear. I have an ability to overreact to . . . I’m starting to space.
I have fears about the people I work with and what they think of me. Normal insecurities. I know the remedy for this already: Be stable and confident. Fuck what they say, relax, let them say it. They’ll respect you for it. Even if they don’t like you, they’ll respect you. Besides, I need practicing confidence and stability and relaxing.
It’s all good for me. I’ll do it.