Just finished my second day of work. And did it with some humility. I worked har with my nooby-ism in full employ. that aside, I did good. I kept busy, I didn’t slow, I picked up work on my compatriot’s departments. I did good. So good a fellow employee pulled me aside and reminded me I shouldn’t allow myself to be taken advantage of (by other lazier employee’s). I answered with an assuring smile and tried to put her at ease. She was. Kinda.

I’m not so sure I care about being taken advantage of at this particular point. I have my doubt, but I’m going with what’s easiest at this point. What’s easiest? Focusing on me and making sure I do a good job and keep busy. If asshole’s seek to take advantage of me, fuck it. I’m not experienced enough to know the difference and things like this only helps me get that experience. Gimme time and I’ll be fine.

The drive home had he sad. For a few reasons. “I was tired” being first and foremost among them. I’m still tired. My mind on the drive home reflected on me being too nice. Being the type of fellow who is taken advantage of.  Old girlfriends got in there. I recalled being stood up on valentine’s day, my heart sunk at that particular thought. My instincts wanted to blame myself and just harm myself. I kinda did and I kinda didn’t.

“Steve you, need more confidence.”

“No, Steve, your humility is a strength.”

“Steve, you’re one of those nice guys who is attracted to abusive women, aren’t you?”

Whoa, yeah. I’ve been a nice guy all my life. More commonly referred to as a “pussy.” And it’s been a huge insecurity of mine for the longest time . . . It is a trait I don’t thing I can change. Even if it’s not genetic. I suspect the trait was conditioned into me when I was way young and the the cerebral pathways weren’t hardwired. Either way, I am either way, my brain is forged to think in this capacity. Hardwired either through genetics or conditioning, here we are. And does it matter? Fuck it, even if it does, it doesn’t deserve the amount attention and time I’d dedicate to it.

I earnestly hope I don’t dedicate the time and thought to it. It’s only going to hurt me.

I’m right when I say I don’t have any confidence. I feel as though I’m smarter that where I’m at in life. I do feel I deserve better than I allow myself. Regardless, here I am. In a very modest place trying to make the best of it. it’s in this kind of scenario where I’m not sure what to think. It is an out-of-touch sense of entitlement? I should quit this job and get back to trying to be an art star? Or is it a noble humility. I’m restarting; swimming in the shitter is where one restarts.

I argue both points with myself often enough. I do wonder which it is.