Good morning. Groggy morning, but still, on the good side. I’m nursing a second cup of coffee. Bed was particularly hard to get out of this morning. My dreams were weird. An attractive former tenant of my apartment came in to collect her old stuff and cleaned up the place in the process. Yeah, wtf.

In case you haven’t picked up on it by now. I have no real idea what to say this morning. I’m muddling through writing this just as I have rolling out of bed, making coffee, and surfing the internet. I’m doing it, but all with and absent mind.

I finished my first week of work Saturday evening. Grandma made plans for me on my days off. It’s the case where I can’t say no. She helps me so much and in so many ways, I need to give back something. Even if it’s my time and effort. I consider it my second job. It’s not so bad, a few hours and I’m paid well.

That all said, yesterday towards the end of our chores, I flipped out. “Flipped out” meaning: I got angry. I was awful close to losing my temper. It would be easy for me to say it was because I resented grandma for taking my days off. At least, those were the thoughts rolling through my head at the time. That resentment is what I focused on in order to throw a fit. Alas, twas not the reason why.

Why I did it was because I was hungry, starving really, and after three cups of coffee and well past my once-a-day-large-meal, I was in a state of mind where it was sick of waiting. I kept forcing myself to wait and be patient while grandma did her things. Meanwhile, my stomach growled and my mood protested. I guess I repressed myself to an edge, of sorts. It doesn’t excuse the tantrum. What it does do is remind me to take better care of myself. Eat before I go out with her. Practice patience, while I’m at it.

Throughout, my self talk was pretty darned good. I reminded myself several times why I was being twitchy. I knew it had to do with the hunger. The emotional part of my brain focused in on resentments to express objection. So, yeah. Good reminder, I’ll keep it in mind.

Work. I enjoy it. I get along well with the patients. Running around and keeping busy is a HUGE difference between sitting at my desk repeating the same spiel over and over again. I still might be in the honeymoon phase of things so I’m approaching it with a skeptical optimism. That clear, I’m enjoying the work.

Another thing I enjoy is having a future to look forward to. I really enjoy that part. The security of a direction is so comforting. Especially after deciding to start over. I’ve set my sites on Occupational Therapist. I’m positive I’ve wrote something about that in previous posts but I’ll write something here to remind you, the reader, and myself, the hero.

So to get a degree in Occupational Therapy I need to get bachelor’s then a masters degree. All told, about five years of education. That’s one year more than if I decided to go for nursing certification. Two years for the prerequisite classes and another two for the nursing program. Fuck it. If I’m going back to school, why not do something fresh and burly. The extra year I invest into learning Occupational Therapy offers me a few advantages over nursing. First is: it pays more. About 20% more. Occupational therapists get more respect and less stress. At least in comparison to a Nurse. And even after the masters, the door is open for a doctorate. You know, providing I have the want to take it that far. Having that option is tantalizing.

So that’s the reasoning. onto the reality of it. I have about a year’s worth of debts to pay off. 4k in credit cards and 4k in student loans. Not much at all, but when you review how much I’m getting paid, which is little, that 8-9k of debt and interest takes a while to resolve. Insert heavy sigh here. Follow it up with determined face. Schooling, I can pay for the first couple of  years worth of community college myself. At least, I think I can. After that, it’s off to state University, a more expensive affair. I’m hoping by that time, I’ll be eligible for student loans to help out. Otherwise I’m either taking part time classes or vying for scholarships, somehow . . . Somehow. After University, applying to a master’s program. Hopefully in this state, because it will be vastly cheaper than an out of state tuition. After all that: profit!

It’s a big goal. when I look at it in this light, it looks daunting. When I remind myself “Six years” suddenly it seems very plausible. I can do this.

I can do this.