Wired Tired
Today finds me in a one to one watching a suicidal man sleep. I wont go too far into rules and regs, but officially, when we have a suicidal fellow admitted, we can’t leave them alone. So its my turn to keep him company for the next twelve hours. Its not my place to question what he’s going through so I won’t. I’m pretty good at giving people the benefit of the doubt. That said I can tell you first hand stories of folks gaming the system for meals, beds, and drugs.
Fellow work folks, you know, the ones who are working and sacrificing for their careers are all around me. My favorites friends are all increasing their credentials and moving on to exciting new horizons and fat paychecks. I love them, I’m proud of them, they deserve good things. After all, they’re awesome folks.
All the positivity out there. There are times where its feels as though I’m standing still. There are times when I work hard put in the effort and the confidence is there. I’m an unrecognized champion. Those times feel nice. Then there are the times when I’m frayed, and tired, and worried about money or the future or, like now, standing still. Those times are less kind. I look at my arts, writings, and I measure their worth. And, there are times where the judgement is scathing.
I am not sure what more to sacrifice or how much harder I need to work. I get a feeling sometimes calming, sometimes not that this is a lifelong endeavor. And that rather than fight it, just simplify and put in the good fight. Shrug. I’m putting in the hours, I’m putting in the effort . . . maybe I’m doing something wrong. All’s fair speculating the silver bullet. Could be I need to network more, could be I’m not promoting well enough, could be the gravitational pull from the star Betelgeuse is being offset by a moon of Jupiter.
Oh well, I’ll put in a couple more minutes of thought before getting back to grinding out books.
Aren’t you a Taurus? What is your moon sign and your ascendant? For me, my Taurun energy means I am usually pretty grounded and content. It is very uncomfortable when I am discontent. This spring has been like that. I am totally blaming it on the stars and the fact that all three of my children are now officially adults and the phase of life I am in. We are also rounding upon what would have been my 25th wedding anniversary which still freaking hurts. LAME…lol Treading water gets frustrating though. It makes me restless. Some days it is just one step in front of the other. FWIW I couldn’t do your job. My partner does hospice care. I couldn’t do that either. I am so very grateful there are people like you who can do it Because it needs to be done. So Blessings on you, my friend.
Yeah, Taurus. But a lot less majestic than the aligned stars, more like the Ford version.
As to that strange anxiety, fuck all! Its as though that emotional feelings you tied off years before are knots you’re trying to undo now. And the process is muddled, clumsy , and painfilled, but fuck, this is what you gotta do to progress. You’re fault or not, things within your control or out of, you’re forced to deal with it all under a simmering flame of anxiety.
I don’t know. Something about healthy coping and all, but really there are times where its all just too much . . . sigh.
Anywho, I feel ya. Its unpleasant. None of its easy. Be good to yourself. You’ll get through.