I hate working in groups. In school that’s what we are practicing now. I get that its a nice life skill to have. To get by in the world, you know, learning to labor with others, everyone moving towards the same goal. But god damned, herding the group, being sensitive to everyones’ feelings and failings. Being calibrated on when to call bullshit vs letting things slide to keep the peace. Maintaining group focus. When to give, when to receive. Its work!

My particular skills are calibrated towards me and mine. Yeah, selfish, you bet. Society and leaches have hammered into me enough that if I’m too nice, don’t set appropriate boundaries, that each and every filthy parasite will bleed me dry and kick my husk to the curb. You know, so that I no longer get in the way. And despite knowing all this, my instincts compel me to be too kind. And there is some self hate over it. As you can probably tell, the whole topic touches a nerve.

Working in the healthcare field for the past decade, feels like I’ve I’ve been exposed to all sorts of slop asks. From coworkers and customers, every side of the motivation spectrum from selfish to selfless. In such an environment, one develops a quick sense of which people are gonna be good to you and which, given the chance, will rob you, stab you. In kind, you measure your efforts to these people. “This one is good, I’ll be good to him/her.” “This one will fuck me over soon as they have a chance, better keep a distance.”

Me, I find my resources invested into defenses. Studious and passive. Intuiting and measuring the economy of effort, then adjusting my own contributions accordingly. Can’t work too hard or they’ll expect a free ride. Can’t be too kind or they ask too much. Own too much, and all demand a handout. And the other way. Can’t be too lazy, shitty, or greedy lest retribution. In essence, find the medium. That acceptable amount of effort others and you are willing to put in, and allocate any extra resources into finding a peace, retain some sanity. Its not a sprint, its a long jog.

This all said. I do have a healthy respect for others on the opposite side of the spectrum. Whereas I am here with my introversion and my solitary preferences. There are extroverts who thrive in the social space. Those who are able to communicate with others in such a way that the group acts as a whole. Those are some good leaders and managers. I admire them.

I truly do wonder if I would benefit to emulate those. Just like I pay a price for my solitary tendencies, such people must go through some shit to develop the talents of leadership.

Ah well, enough musing. Time to go.